Five Ways To Attract Women
By Professor Yaffle, Professor Emeritus, Evolutionary Psychiatry, Caucus College, Cambridge University, UK.
Dear Mr V. Jug,
Good afternoon, and please forgive my unsolicited letter, which I hope you will be able to somehow computerise for the super web highway.
I thought you might find interesting the transcript of a lecture I used to give in the 1950s to my male undergraduates, on the theme of obtaining a high quality wife. Here it is
Good evening gentlemen,
As an evolutionary psychiatrist, it has been my life’s work to understand a woman’s most powerful sexual organ...
(pause for sniggering and heckling, allow it to die down)
No, not that- or those, you dummies! I refer of course to her brain.
Here are my research findings, which I pass on so you may attract a fine looking woman, perhaps finer than you really deserve.
1. KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN
Until recently, Cleanliness was next to Godliness, but nowadays Cleanliness is too busy whispering sweet nothings to Attractiveness on the chaise-longue.
It is very important therefore, that if you want to be attractive to women, you keep your body clean.
There has been much talk recently in the popular press of 'pheromones', those mysterious smells which have a powerful aphrodisiac effect on the female. My advice is never be tempted to skip your bath in the hope that your manly whiff will whip her up into an loose-limbed frenzy. This only works if you are a gamekeeper, an American GI, or that handsome gentlemen who appears in the adverts for dietary cola drink. Ignore the rubbish about pheromones, just stay clean.
Remember, if you are neglectful of your ablutions, you will make her feel queasy. And Queasiness never gets anywhere near Attractiveness.
2. GROOMING
Women are very much more observant than men, pace Lady Macbeth, Miss Marple, and the young Miss Angela Lansbury. You may feel your appearance is up to scratch, they may have observed otherwise.
So keep a close eye on your grooming. Remember this easy acronym for things you should check periodically while in the company of a young lady:
Fringe Is it floppy enough?
Attire Smooth out creases, pick off old food.
Breath Minty fresh?
Underarms Keep them free of perspirant
Lips Remove all crumbs of toast
Organ Imperceptible, at this stage.
Underwear Clean, with original holes only
Shoes Must be polished.
Tongue Free of furring. Keep inside mouth.
Impish smile Keep this going the whole time
Teeth Free of lettuce.
Shoes again. Could they stand another polish?
Unfortunately, this acronym is a little fruity, so make sure you don’t mutter it out loud in her presence.
If you keep a check on all of these things, you will look better. You may not even notice the difference these checks make, but she will- and you will go up in her estimation.
3. DRESSING WELL
There is an old adage that if you want a promotion at work, start dressing like 
your superiors. Well the same goes when one wants a gal. To attract first-class lovelies, you need to go up a sartorial gear or two. Dress with care, and think about colour, cut and cloth. Ditch anything past it's best in favour of plus-fours, dress shirts and brogues. Choose accessories like your handkerchief and pocket watch carefully- they say a lot about you.
Dressed smartly, you may be occasionally jostled or guffawed at by low-browed thugs, but ladies will adore your attention to the finer things in life- and they will begin to fancy being seen on your arm, and on your picnic blanket, and in your bed, and against the wall of your study, and perhaps even pressed against your bathroom mirror.
4. TEASING
My father used to say that laughter is the best medicine, which is why I spent three years in bed as a young man – struck down with diphtheria.
Lying on my back, watched over by an obliging and dutiful young nurse, I soon understood that laughter is not the best medicine at all, but it is the best aphrodisiac.
An effective way to make a lady laugh is to tease her. Beautiful women adore to be teased. It is flirtatious, and allows one to increase the personal content in one’s conversation, creating a gateway to intimacy.
During my convalescence, Nurse Betty and I began to trade mock insults over my spittoon- I would rib her about her little hat, and about the insufficient starch in her uniform. She would comment on the everchanging hues of my phlegm. Wonderful times, that developed into an invigorating eight month marriage, all from a bit of teasing.
So my advice is to try your luck, and tease ladies as much and as often as possible. Be as fresh and chipper as you can, and see where it gets you. For every twenty brush-offs, and five slaps around the face, you might enjoy a lovely bunk-up with a scrummy blonde.
5. INNER CONFIDENCE
Even the most cursory reading of my published work on evolutionary theory will reveal that a woman places much emphasis on a man's ability to provide resources and protection. So you must endeavour to look like a good bet on that front.
If you scuttle about the place like a rat in a coalhole you will not fare well. But if you stride purposefully around in the bracing air, slapping chaps on the back and laughing heartily, shrugging off problems and seizing life by the knackers, then you will look like the sort of cove who can provide for a gal.
In short, always be confident- and if you don’t feel confident, pretend that you do. She’ll be rolling down her nylons before teatime.
END OF LECTURE, APPLAUSE ETC, SIGN AUTOGRAPHS
Well there you are Mr Jug. I realise this lecture is very old now, but it has helped many a young fellow in the past, and perhaps there is something within that your modern readers may draw from. One thing though, might I venture to suggest that you make some films about foxhunting? And perhaps a recipe for crème brulee?
Yours sincerely,
Prof. P Yaffle MA Cantab. Professor Emeritus, Evolutionary Psychiatry, Caucus College, Cambridge, UK
