We all make mistakes, and some are bigger than others. No one
can deny the fact that cheating on a spouse or committed partner is
a big one. So what do you do once the damage is done, and better
yet, how do you deal with the problem and fix the situation, can it
be fixed?
Steps
- "WHY!" - The first thing to understand is that
cheating often signifies that there is something wrong, or missing
from your current relationship. The goal before you apologize is to
find out what that problem is, so once you and your partner move
past the initial shock of your actions, you can decide how to best
address the problem .
- "Do you love them?" If you got caught cheating
on your significant other, they will be angry, and will most likely
ask a lot of detailed questions. These are going to be hard to
answer...but be honest. Don't go into dramatic detail over your
actions, but be honest about what you feel appropriate to answer.
If you shut down now and refuse to answer the questions then a
wedge could grow as a result and could lead to further distrust
from the other person as well as an inability to communicate and
truly fix the problem.
- Communicate- There isn't going to be any way
you can put a band-aid on this situation. In order to fix it, your
going to have to reprove your worth, which means dealing with
a lack of trust for you over a LONG period of
time. Be willing to call if you're going to be late from a
night out and if your partner asks you be in touch,
DO be in touch. If you say that your going to be home by 11...then
be home by 11.
- Understand In situations like this emotions
will run deep and strong. By your actions you've torn away a piece
of your partner's heart and that scar, like any other,
can last for the rest of his life. That doesn't mean you can't
salvage the relationship. Once emotions have died down...talk
it out. Explain that there is no excuse for your actions and
that cheating was a bad solution to a serious problem. Explain what
aspects of the relationship you're not happy with and see about
counseling. Obviously anything you try might not work, and if the
decision is made that it can't be fixed...then walk away. Staying
in a relationship for the wrong reasons is just as hurtful to both
parties as cheating.
- Cut off communication- Obviously your partner
isn't the only one involved in this now that you've cheated. You've
taken an outsider into it as well. The person you cheated with. You
need to contact this person, under the supervision of your partner,
and explain that your actions were wrong. If you wish to stick it
out with your partner that is you must cut off all ties to the
'lover'. The hard part to this is often times, the 'lover' is
someone close to your life, a co-worker, a friend, the bartender at
your local hang out...but you will have to find a way to ignore
whatever feelings you have. Again this is only if you're going to
continue to try and make it work with your partner.
- Patience Try counseling and if things don't
improve or you both find you hold feelings of resentment towards
the other then it's best to cut your losses and split. Not all
problems can be fixed in a relationship, and sometimes what you
want, and whats healthiest for the both of you are two very
different things. Don't set a time limit for how long your spouse
is "allowed" to remain hurt or angry. By refusing to answer
questions or acting like it's time to move on before your spouse is
ready, is not a good plan. You started this process in motion so
you must be prepared to deal with the mess your selfishness left
behind. Remember, it takes a moment to breakdown trust and a
lifetime to re-build it.
Tips
- Don't place blame, or try to justify your actions. Nothing but
admitting fault and apologizing, and communicati
