How honest should we be with our children about the reasons for our divorce?
Some parents feel the need to tell their children the truth about why their marriage ended, be honest with them about the reasons for their divorce, and they'll actually say to them, "Your father had an affair, he cheated, he had a girlfriend and he's a jerk", and when these parents are asked why they do that they say, "Because I want my child to know the truth." However, parents are selective about this. They won't tell the truth about their own behavior, they won't tell the truth about all kinds of things, and they will somehow feel that this truth is paramount. Well, here's the real truth. This is really destructive to a child. This is self-serving to a parent. Telling a child that the other parent is bad is only in service of a parent's need to develop an alignment with that child and to have that child estranged from the other parent because the parent is estranged from that parent. The parent's anger is spilling over onto the child, they're projecting it onto the child, they're saying, "He was a lowsy partner and therefore he's going to be a lowsy parent and you should know it." And it's really unfair to the child, and it's really parent-centered, not child-centered. So I believe that it's very important to be honest within reason and not to involve the child in the details of why this divorce is happening, to keep them out of the middle, they don't need to know about anybody's shenanigans, they don't need to know about anybody's breaches of trust, and they don't need to see declarations in court, court papers and hear conversations because all it will do is make them feel anxious, and unfortunately, make them choose sides, which ultimately is terrible for them.
