What are some common obstacles to happiness?
One of the ways that we create unhappiness for ourselves is to have shaming or self-critical thoughts which run through our minds like a video tape or an audio tape that says "I'm not okay." When you think that "I'm not okay," somehow you then feel depressed, or you feel anxious. By the way, "I'm not okay" can also be a fear message. So you can be scaring yourself or shaming yourself. Okay? If you feel depressed or anxious then because that's what you're telling yourself or that's the video tape you're running in your head, you will then tend to do something self-defeating that validates what you feel. So if I feel depressed and I feel anxious and I'm saying, "I don't look good today and I'm going to have a fat and ugly day," I'm going to wear something that I don't feel very attractive in because that's going to prove me right. Now I get to say, "boy I really do look bad" when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. And the cycle will continue. It will perpetuate for a while. Self-defeating thought, negative, critical thought, scary thought creates depression anxiety, self-defeating behavior, around and around and around. That chain link. Eventually, when you get tired of the shaming process, you might decide "wait a minute, maybe it's not me." "Maybe it's he or she or them that's really not okay," so you get into a blaming cycle. When I think you're not okay, I feel hurt. I feel angry. What do I do when I'm hurt and angry? I do something that acts out. I take my frustration out on someone else. I rebel. I do something that's more expressive of the feeling instead of repressive. So when I do that, I get to justifiably say, "Wow, I'm superior." "Now I'm righteous. It really is all their fault." Continue that cycle for a while until eventually I go, "You know what, maybe it's really not their fault." "Maybe it's me after all." So it's like a figure eight. Shame, blame, shame, blame, back and forth, and back and forth until, eventually, something breaks, hopefully, and you shift it and say "wait a minute, I've got to make a change here cause this pattern doesn't serve me. It certainly doesn't ever really make me feel good. It just makes me feel safe because I know how to do this because I've been doing it for a long time."
