What is the 12 step understanding of 'codependency'?
Codependency is a term that was coined a number of years ago, initially to identify the kind of relationships that those involved with alcoholics or addicts get into in trying to maintain a sense of balance in that kind of environment. Someone who, when they're in the midst of their disease, is very unpredictable, is going through a lot of changes, who is very self destructive, can be very difficult to be around, and the codependent was originally the co-alcoholic and referred to the spouse, or the person that basically was not only living with them. But in some level was enabling them to maintain their addiction by maybe calling the boss at work and saying, "No, my husband's sick today", or going out and running errands or going and buying alcohol or whatever when the person wouldn't go out, or bailing them out of jail. Basically, all of those things that would prevent them from suffering the natural consequences that they would. Over time, it's become a terminology dealing with the way a person interacts with others in their life, and it is usually characterized by, on the surface maybe appearing very self efacing, very loving, very giving, very concerned about other people, but on the surface being not only very resentful if people do not respond to them in a certain way, but also has a lot to do with control. This is because one of the things that the spouse of the addict was trying to do is maintain a sense of control in their life, and so she or he, it could be either one, would create a structure in their life where they could maintain the illusion of stability, and that involves a lot of control, in some cases a lot of deception, a lot of manipulation, and at the same time codependents may appear as martyrs, but it's much more about the payoff. Codependents on some level are trying to show how they want to be treated, but they're going about it the wrong way. They also tend to have poor boundaries and their well being is to hide into the well being of others. Their good feelings about themselves are tied into other people having good feelings about them. They're very externally directed and it's almost like their sense of well being is tied to the person or persons or group that they are codependent with, and that becomes more important than their direct experience of life.
