Creative & Culture

A Geek's Guide To Surviving Christmas

Christmas as a nerd is both brilliant and horrific. There's loads of free presents floating about, but you're forced to spend money on other people, and there's lots of 'going outdoors'. This film tells you what you need to know to get you through the festive season in tact. Enlarge

A Geek's Guide To Surviving Christmas

Christmas as a nerd is both brilliant and horrific. There's loads of free presents floating about, but you're forced to spend money on other people, and there's lots of 'going outdoors'. This film tells you what you need to know to get you through the festive season in tact.

A Geek's Guide to Surviving Christmas


Ho ho h-oh God it's Christmas. Everyone's more chipper than that helpful paperclip chappie, smacked up on ‘eggnog' whatever that is, and you're forced to socialise in the cold outside world wasting time talking extraneous words when you could be at home in the warm playing Guitar Hero World Tour. On your own.

Step 1: You've got garlic in your soul

Christmas starts in mid-October which is, obviously, stupid. You're allowed to snort and deride anything green, red or lit up until the first of December.
The real trouble with the festive season is other people. ‘Other people' at Christmas are to be avoided with the same frantic gusto as a phone call from your cousin Roman. Fortunately, December is prime cold and flu season which makes an excellent get-out clause for awkward social engagements, but it's smart to develop a perpetual and nasty cough as early as mid-November, to make disease-ridden weaselling out of parties all the more believable.

Step 2: The Ghost of Christmas Presents.

If you're a looking for a present for a ‘girl' or similar, don't buy them DVDs or videogames. That's what you want. The finalised and exhaustive list of things girls want for Christmas is in, and it's: shoes, clothes, jewellery, perfume and shoes.

Step 3: Rampant Consumerism

Why not spend Christmas day itself in the time-honoured fashion of complaining and moaning about how ‘lame' and ‘stupid' Christmas is over The Internet? It's tradition!
If you like, you can point out how it was originally a pagan festival that was hijacked by Christians, because repeating that one fact over and over again like you're the first to stumble across it never gets dull. While you're there, why not do some maths to prove that there's no way Santa could deliver all those presents, and be an all-round general Mr Grinchy-grump?

Step 4: Go all-out, FULL-ON festive

Oh, go on. Edit your avatar so it's got a Rudolph nose or a Santa hat or something. Play some Christmas themed Flash games. Recode the Christmas tree lights so they flash up the word “JADED” in great big letters. Really get into the spirit of things. If all else fails:

Step 5: Stuff it, Watch Scrooged again.

It's Bill Murray's finest vehicle, and when SPOILERS the little boy speaks at the end and everyone has a sing-song it'll melt even the grumpiest nerd's crooked little heart. Niagara Falls, Frankie angel.


Merry Christmas, one and all. Or, in binary: 01101101 0110010 101110010 0111001 001111001...