A Men's Guide To Looking Good On The Beach
The beach is a fashion minefield for men, especially for the British. So we've put together a foolproof guide to looking good on the beach. Flex your muscles, and enjoy the female attention with this must-see video on beach fashion.
Step 1: Body Hair
Having chest hair isn't a problem, but you won't attract the right sort of attention if you look like a Wookie from behind, so get a back wax before your holiday. Leave your pins alone though, bald legs will make your calfs look like two anaemic kippers frying in the sun. Slightly hairy feet are ok, as long as you don't look to much like a Hobbit on its summer holiday.
Step 2: Shorts
If you're more Borat than Bond, a skimpy swimsuit is only going to draw attention to the bits you will want to hide, and no amount of posing and posturing is going to cover this up... So a loose fitting pair of shorts is probably the safest bet. Patterns and vivid floral prints will suit those of a more flamboyant nature.
If you're insecure about the size of your manhood you could stuff bra padding or a cricket box in your shorts to accentuate your package.
But beware, if someone shows an interest in you they'll be disappointed when your stick of rock turns out to be a toot sweet.
Step 3: Sarongs
The humble sarong - simple, stylish and such an easy garment to put on… well, for those who know how. Whether you're off to the south coast or the south pacific check out Videojug 'Beach Fashion' for a variety of ways to wear a sarong with style, rather than like a bafoon.
Step 4: Footwear
An even worse crime than the banana hammock, is hitting the sands with a sock and sandal combination. Wearing trainers with bare feet is also bad news, not only for your image, but also for the environment. Keep it simple: stick to flip-flops or Birkenstock-style sandals.
Make sure your feet are in good condition; dry flaky skin and toenail fluff will leave your hooves coming off second best to the beach donkey
Step 5: Headwear
What you wear on your head can define an outfit, and there is little middle ground: it's either in or out, so keep an eye out for passing trends. That said, there are some eternal no-nos.....first and foremost the comedy hat - what better way to show people you've got a sense of humour, right? Wrong. Novelty hats are as bad as shellsuits and mullets. It's not big and its not clever. Bandana's may help to keep hair off your face whilst look stylish, but its definitely doesn't suit you sir, and remember hankerchief's will just lead to comparisons with George Formby.
Step 6: Accessories
Too much jewellery is never a good thing and should be kept to a minimum. A single surf-style necklace or leather bracelet can work for you, but looking like an extra from Pirates of the Caribbean will not.
Try to keep your sunglasses simple. Sharp-angled, sports shades with rainbow coloured lens' won't suit everyone. If you don't suit the surfer/tour de france look, try going all broody and Top Gun with a pair of aviator shades.
Step 7: Image projection
The beach is for posing, not for exercise, so only get active if you are athletic by nature, playing with a bat and ball on your own won't win you admiring glances. But being energetic isn't the only way to perk the interest of the more discerning members of the public. Display your powerful intellect with a carefully chosen book, a classic or current bestseller will help give the impression your as deep as the ocean in front of you. Whereas a graphic novel or a copy of Guns and Ammo will send the ladies into a faster retreat than the Red Army.
Now that you're more Baywatch than crimewatch just lie back and relax!