Boundaries: Stop Getting Abused And Learn Healthy Boundaries
To have high self-esteem it is imperative that a person knows what healthy boundaries are and how to defend them without offending others. This mental health video on appropriate boundaries is a self-help resource of the highest order. It describes what true boundaries are and how to implement them. Learn how to identify abuse and gain the self-esteem to stop it.
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Step 1:
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Avoid the word "Always"
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The first one is "always" and the reason this is on the board is to say something is "always" is to think perfectionist, and only little kids think perfectionistically. It is not appropriate to sit and have an argument with a child. So if you are sitting and thinking shame-based and child-based, and using the word "always", I am going to stop, confront that, and let you know in the best possible way without putting you down or putting me down, that I don't think it's possible for me to always do anything, and can you take a look at that because I find that abusive and not useful. Unless you are able to see that we can't continue this conversation because it's already spiraling down. It's not going to get better unless you wind up coming back from this position and essentially seeing reality or adult behavior.
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Step 2:
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Avoid the word "Never"
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Next one is "never". Same thing. It's an impossibility to "never" treat you well or "never" pick up around the house.
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Step 3:
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Don't start with "you"
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Three is "you". Starting out a statement with "you" is a blaming statement. So the way I want you to look at this is, if you are trying to resolve a disagreement or a conflict, because conflicts don't have to be fights by any means, then what I want to do is I want to keep my respect, I want to keep your respect, I want to be looking for a solution and I don't care who wins. If I am doing that there is not a reason to blame. I have to realize that there are different points of view, that most things are about perception, and that reality is a very hard thing for most people to agree with. So I want to use "I" statements with how I feel or how I think, because that is going to be more accurate than "you did this". And if I say "you", you are already going to be defending yourself. If I say "I", you are going to be tending to lean towards me.
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Step 4:
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Try not to yell.
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A yelling voice. The reason that this is so abusive is that energy is more than just tangible things. Energy emits several feet outside of your body. And if you don't believe that, imagine the last time you walked into a room where two people were fighting, or two people were attracted to each other. You know in a heartbeat that it's happening. You feel it all the way across the room. If you're yelling, you are essentially verbally abusing somebody else.