Couples Fighting Styles: The Defensive Attacker

Step 1: Description

The Defensive Attacker is, in fact, very scared of conflict. They try very hard to avoid conflict by giving a short, sharp outburst in order to silence their partner before the argument can escalate. They will be defensive, reactionary, and will make ultimatums which are highly out of proportion with the situation.

Step 2: If you are…

If you are a defensive attacker, you need to recognise that your way of dealing with things isn't resolving anything - you're simply avoiding arguments. Over time your partner may lose respect for you if every time they raise the slightest thing you issue an out-of-proportion ultimatum. You also need to recognise that your instinctive reaction is due to anxiety - not anger - and you need to calm yourself accordingly. Count to ten, self-soothe, and watch your temper. Then try to engage with your partner in a rational, reasonable manner.

Step 3: If your partner is…

If your partner is a defensive attacker, you may feel bullied or intimidated. Remember that they are reacting this way out of fear rather than anger, so when you want to broach a subject, choose your approach carefully. Reassure them that you don't want to argue about this, but it is something you'd like to discuss. Also reassure them that if you disagree it doesn't mean the end of your relationship.