Couples Fighting Styles: The Shock Absorber

Step 1: Description

The key characteristics of the shock absorber are retreat and silence. They are highly fearful of conflict, so when it threatens they retreat within themselves and often refuse to engage with their partner at all. Don't mistake their physical passivity for emotional distance - there is often lots going on inside but they simply don't know how to express it.

Step 2: If you are…

If you are a shock absorber, your intentions may be to reduce the length of an argument by refusing to engage. However, your silence is likely to infuriate your partner who may keep upping the ante to try and elicit some kind of response - therefore prolonging the amount of time you are in conflict. Help yourself by making a deliberate decision to engage. Turn your body towards your partner and look at them directly. If needs be, stand up. Being more physically present can help you feel more emotionally present, and will help your partner feel you're listening to them.

Step 3: If your partner is…

If your partner is a shock absorber, it may be tempting to keep on at them to try and elicit a response. However, doing this is likely to make them withdraw further. Instead, take a step back and reassure them that you value them and really care about what they have to say. Then back off, and give them space to come to terms with how they feel and what they think. Come back together after a while to try and discuss the issue more positively.