How To Be A Footballer's Wife

Step 1: The look

Your image is the nail glue that binds your success together and it's going to take a lot of TLC.

T is for two weeks in the Caribbean. Never step outside the house without evidence of a recent holiday.
L is for LA because where else can you get a decent stylist and surgeon these days.
C is for celery because that's all you are going to be eating from now on.

Gone are the days when a bit of jewellery and a few designer logos would do the job, nowadays a woman is only as good as her pet designer, so cultivate a relationship with an exceptional one. He must be able to make you look 2 sizes smaller in under a minute, be willing to drop everything in the event of a fashion nightmare, and be capable of convincingly talking to the press about your sensational sense of style.

Step 2: Spend it

Spend, spend, spend . His role is to make money, yours is to be offensively liberal with it.

Remember, nothing makes the headlines like a five figure bill, so make your credit card your friend.

Step 3: When to take your clothes off…

Your body is your tool. Use it wisely. Show a bit of carefully tanned flesh but not too much. You don't need to earn money by taking your clothes off. You are NOT a glamour model. Reserve stripping off for a well timed ‘fall from grace' story line in the event of publicity paralysis.

Step 4: Create an empire

You will have a taste for the good life long after the shine has worn off your husband's golden balls. So while he's off playing with the boys create your own empire. Perfume, lingerie, a moving and surprisingly insightful autobiography are all excellent choices. The key here is to establish a brand which you can cash in on later if he plays away or breaks a leg.

Step 5: Today's news everyday

Unfortunately the shelf life of the ‘nice girl done good' story is limited. Before long the press pack will be sniffing for blood or worse lose interest.
To combat this you need to adopt some headline grabbing vices.
Mysterious fainting fits are good, as are rumours of an addiction of some sort, the rarer the better.
A secret romance- not you, him. Pay a slightly fatter woman to leave his hotel room. Nothing gets the public behind you like the heartbroken but dignified wife.
Of course if he does actually cheat then cut your loses and divorce him for 50% of all future earnings... oh and take the car and the pr.

Step 6: Relationship couture

Treat your relationships like your wardrobe and manage them carefully. Other wives can increase your publicity and they're always useful for choosing hair extensions. TOP TIP - Cultivate a feud with another footballer's wife who is willing to be embroiled in a lengthy scandal over stealing your style. When the time is right, and with plenty of non water proof mascara, stage a reconciliation somewhere secluded. Then invite the press.

Old friends - you can still see old friends but if they're ugly or fat do so behind closed doors. Pull the blinds, show Hello! The door and entertain them in the comfort of your own home.

Finally, don't forget to spend time with your ever so talented boyfriend. Look after him because without him you'd still be living with your mother in Milton Keynes.