How To Be A Tool At College

Step 1: First Impressions

First impressions are really important so make sure people realise you’re a Tool right from the start. Be sure to go on and on about how great you’re High School was, how 'spiritual' your Gap year was and how people think you look like a thin Elvis. Remember to go on about the life you left behind; your irreplaceable friends; your Nymphomaniac, gymnast girlfriend and the incredible nightlife back in Skokie. Monopolize the conversation and make sure that everyone around you knows what an interesting Fresher you are.

Step 2: Style

Remember to confect lots of annoying characteristics like a flamboyant haircut, a risque piercing or a penchant for animal fur. Also, spurn other students who are genuinely different by talking behind their backs and spreading malicious gossip about them.

Step 3: Be preachy and opinionated

Jump on whatever social bandwagon is popular at the moment. Make sure everybody knows your opinions so broadcast then loud and clear all the time. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you of being a fascist.

OK, you are already looking like a bit of a Tool, now it’s time to take it up a notch.

Step 4: Practical jokes

You may think that bullying and belittling people ended with your schooldays. And for most people they did, but you're a Tool! So don't worry about it, as long as your pranks make you laugh then who cares! Poo in someone's kettle, destroy their family photo album and force them to wet the bed with the old fingers in water trick.

Step 5: Communal living

Never clean up after yourself in the kitchen, or bathroom. Steal food from the fridges, play horrible music very loud and very late. If anyone challenges your behaviour, repeat everything they say back at them in a baby voice. This will convince them, and everybody else that you are a complete, total, five star, no holds barred, TOOL.

Enjoy College Life!