How To Beat Your Children At Computer Games

Step 1: You will need

Step 2: Choose the game carefully

Do not challenge your child at a game he already owns, he will know more about it than you ever will. Instead, take this fight into more comfortable territory. Buy a new game that your child hasn't seen before, and one that is a simulation of something you know how to do in real life, like playing football or driving a car. You'll have enough on your plate without having to learn a whole new set of rules in some make-believe magical kingdom.

Step 3: Late night practice sessions

When your child is safely tucked up in bed, take advantage of your later bedtime by getting used to the game and the controller. Read the game instructions carefully, you will find there are many more buttons and button combinations to deal with compared to your old Pacman days.

Step 4: Find some cheats

Cheats are secret codes placed in the game by its creators that unlock helpful things such as unlimited speed, strength or health. Try searching through gaming magazines or websites to find the boost you'll need to beat your child.

Step 5: A dodgy controller

Replace one of your child's existing controllers with a cheap and low quality version, and then make sure that you get the good one when you play the game. You may wish to stick some of the buttons down with some jam, and then blame it on the child. Any sticking buttons or slow response times from the dodgy controller can only help your cause.

Step 6: Psych them out

Just before you play, put your child off his game by threatening to cut his pocket money, or mention a possible visit by the weird Aunt who gives him the creeps. You will know what will upset your child most easily, so feel free to improvise. Remember, you will need your child flustered and upset to have any chance of victory.

Step 7: If all else fails, pause

There is a good chance that even after all of this, you may still find it a struggle on the day of the game. One final gambit is the pause trick. If you are losing, start to cough loudly, pause the game and order your child to get you a glass of water. Once he has left the room, un-pause the game to rack up an unassailable lead. Pause the game, and when your child returns, swear blind nothing has changed.

Step 8: Choose another game

After being unable to beat your child without cheating, it is vital that you rebuild your shattered ego. Challenge your child to games where you have a distinct advantage, and don't hold back. You will feel a lot better after a crushing Scrabble victory.

After you've won, it's up to you and your conscience as to whether you confess your cheating ways, crow mercilessly over them, or simply send them to their room. Well done, you've taught your child a valuable lesson, life isn't fair.