How To Clown About Behind A Sofa

Step 1: You will need

Step 2: The Routine

Step 3: The Stairs

Taking the stairs clown? You working class man you.
And up again, the toil never ends.

Step 4: Elevator

Going down? Lobby is it? Thought so
And back up to the mezzanine. I hear there's a great view over the Tiber.

Step 5: Escalator

Ahhh mechanical stairs. See how he glides down them, and up again. The wonders of futurism.

Step 6: Moving Walkway

A floor, that moves? What an imagination you have clown. If only they existed.

Look at him go, he's really making the most of this fancy.

Step 7: Swimming

A river? In a drawing room? How absurd. He's learnt all the strokes. Splish splosh, what jolly!

Step 8: The Kayak

Still in the river Clown? At least you have a canoe. Aye Aye Captain Clown. You sure look dapper.

Oh no! The current has changed. Better paddle harder clown or you'll be scuppered!

Step 9: Unicycle

Clowning at its best. That old circus chestnut. It sure looks difficult on that unicycle.

Step 10: The Bucking Broncho

What's happening now? I think he's on a West American ranch. Riding a bull – similar to a British Cow, from which we get milk, cheese, and beef.

Step 11: Carousel

Clown, what are doing? That rides for children! Get off, that's quite enough out of you. Oh right, it's an impersonation. I could of guessed.

Step 12: The Stairs

This is simple. Bend your knees as if you're walking down the stairs. Then bend until you are completely shrouded by the sofa. Now turn around and walk back up the stairs, keeping your back straight.

Step 13: Elevator

Push the button for the lobby. Wait and let it take you down. First bend your knees gradually, then lean backwards supporting yourself with your hands. Now raise yourself back up again at the same speed. Fold your arms as soon as you can and bring yourself up.

Step 14: Escalator

In one fluid motion descend to a crouch, turn yourself around and come back up taking about two steps. Keep your back straight and move your body smoothly.

Step 15: Moving Walkway

Slide your feet across the floor in gentle steps keeping your upper body straight. Now try running on the spot and sliding backwards. This time jump to the other side of the walkway allowing you to ride on it again. Make a point of stepping off the walkway in order to enhance the illusion.

Step 16: Swimming

With your body crouched in order to make the top of the sofa appear as the waterline, simply swim about. Try treading water, diving beneath the surface or a backstroke. For added fun, wring your jacket out afterwards.

Step 17: The Kayak

Here, pull your weight forward with the oar. This will make it appear as if you are rowing. To get caught in a current, slide your feet backwards and pull your weight forward as before.

Step 18: Unicycle

It's all in the hips. Wobble back and forth keeping your centre of gravity around your midriff. Roll the bike forward by taking a few quick steps. Keep on your tippy toes and thrust that pelvis back and forth.

Step 19: The Bucking Broncho

Mount the bull thusly. Then slowly gyrate backwards and forwards while turning on the spot. Don't let your hand rise above the sofa as this will break the illusion. For extra effect speed up and wave your hat in the air.

Step 20: Carousel

Holding the bar and rising and falling, with each step turn in circles and wave when you are at the front.