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How To Come Out To Your Parents

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How To Come Out To Your Parents

Telling your parents that you're gay can be intimidating. Who knows how they'll react? If you're trying to figure out how and when to break your big news, you might find the advice in this film helpful. The advice will tell you the best methods to come out to your parents. Telling your parents that you're gay can be intimidating. Who knows how they'll react? If you're trying to figure out how and when to break your big news, you might find the advice in this film helpful. The advice will tell you the best methods to come out to your parents.

Step 1: Preparing

Decide whether you want to come out to your parents and when would be the best time.
Think about any times when homosexuality might have come up in conversation or on TV and what has their reaction been to this? Have they got any gay/lesbian friends/relatives or work colleagues and how do they feel about them?
But remember that their reaction to their own child coming out is very unpredictable. However long you have been coming to terms with this information about your sexuality, it may well come as a shock and disappointment to your parents.
Even seemingly liberal parents can react very badly.
They may have difficulty accepting it, as they think being gay/lesbian is a difficult lifestyle, they may have had less access to knowing gay people and to the diversity of the LGBT community and so have some quite old fashioned ideas about what it means to be lesbian or a gay.
Also consider your own safety. Don't come out if you feel that doing so may place you in any kind of danger. If you think you might be physically attacked for coming out, or thrown out of your parents home with nowhere to go, then this is probably not the best time to come out. If you are close to a brother or sister, you might want to seek their support first.

Step 2: Coming out face to face

The advantage of telling your parents face-to-face that you are gay is that it will open a dialogue on the subject and you will be able to answer your parents' many questions. Break the news to your parents in a safe, comfortable environment like at home, rather than in a public place. Think about whether you want to tell your parents both at the same time or individually, but remember that keeping the news from one parent for a significant time could be seen as divisive. If your parents take the news badly, try not to get defiant or angry. Try to remain calm and avoid making a big scene. Explain to your parents that you are still the same person you have always been, but you are now just revealing another part of your life.

Step 3: Coming out by letter

In some cases it's better to come out by letter, email or phone. The benefit of this method is that it gives you a chance to explain things fully and also for them to have the opportunity to react to the news in private and in their own time. This method might also be appropriate if you think your parents will react badly to the news, or if you think they might become abusive. It will give your parents time to 'cool down' before a face-to-face meeting. But remember that some parents will prefer to be told face-to-face rather than by letter, as they may see it as a more personal way to deal with such important news.

Step 4: After you have come out

After you have told your parents that you are gay, you will probably want to tell other family members who don't know. It's important to keep discussion about your homosexuality going, but it shouldn't be forced. Discuss it as much as straight members of the family discuss their heterosexuality. Talk about it as just one significant part of your life, and introduce your family to your gay friends and partners, just the same as your straight siblings would. Remember that if your homosexuality is never mentioned again after you come out, then your parents may go back into denial and pretend that you are not gay. If your coming out went badly, then you may find talking to a therapist to be helpful. PACE in London, runs a Family Support project, and their are also parent support groups around the UK.

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Tips & Comments
  1. joe6991

    I told my christian parents one night and they sort of went "oh"... awkward! but later I had the feeling they denied it and we had a longer and even more embarassing convo about me... I was annoyed that they sort of made me justify it and I thought they would try and support me more... Overall, I'm glad I did it, but be wary, they may not react in the way you expected!

  2. DeviantWolf

    I'm in a bit of a twist.. Uhm.. I'm 16 and I've been lesbian for a while now.. since I was 13.. and.. I've been in the same relationship for about a year and 5 months now.. But when my mom tried asking me if I was lesbian. I had to keep telling her no, which is frustrating.. My uncle / mom / dad keep asking me if I have a boyfriend, which is even more frustrating. I love my girlfriend and I don't think anyone could change that. I mean, it could just be puppy-love but.. Anyway, I tried telling my mom once in the car and she told me that it was disgusting and wrong. She also told me that god hates me and that I'm going to hell.. She's very catholic and the problem with that too is I'm not really a big believer in the catholic ways.. But It's very confusing and heart breaking for me because I can't even see my girlfriend because of my parents.. She moved away a few months ago and we've been trying to keep it alive online but it's not going too well.. I'm just looking for some advice on what to do.. It would be very helpful if someone could talk to me about it..

  3. tattoogirl75

    I'm 34 years old and I am married and have been for 5 years. I have known for a long long time that I'm a lesbian and just suppressed the feelings I guess. I cant do it anymore!! I deserve to be true to myself and everyone else. I want to be happy. I am living a lie with my husband and to my family. I plan to come out tomorrow to my mother and then take it from there with my husband and so on and so forth. I am so nervous that my stomach is in knots. I know that Im doing the right thing..its not fair to my husband to live this lie, he deserves to be happy too. The only huge problem with all of this is that hes very much in love with me. He knows something is wrong because we never have sex...its been months. I have to do whats right. Anyone out there been in a simular place? Help...some advice would be great!!

  4. madbrendan

    im doing it tomorrow *argh* not looking forward to it atall - but after battling it for a few years now & sinking into a bad depression @ one stage & a number of pretty bad things happening to me last year ive decided life will be better all around if i just get it over & done it - whatever the consequences.. if your worried about their reaction think of it this way: if they actually love you they will eventually accept it, if they fly off the handle & kick out of their lives then its their loss.. im 23 now & i dont regret not coming out sooner because you have to be comfortable, ready & completly confident in your decision before you do it... to anyone reading this thats coming out soon, good luck :)

  5. wizbet

    dude my comin out went teribblyyyy maybe kinda coz they found doing something slightly inapproriate n my folks f**kin hate it grrr it sucks coz im in love n they wont accept it

  6. silvac

    Good stuff to talk about, I am 44 years old and never told anyone on my family since i know I was a bi, The best think I did was work and work as harder I could to make my living got my owen home my car and cash to not worry about it, since that I dont give a s**ty for what my family or friends think about it,Only one think I know you cant hide this for to long and they know even if you dont say a world.

  7. pixie stardust

    i don't think i'm going to come out until i'm living on my own as i have a feeling that my mother may react badly to the news or at the least it would be awkward. I might tell my dad first though as my parents split up so at least if dad's ok i'd have somewhere to go if things got bad with mum if i decided to tell her before i leave home.

  8. Anonymous

    What if your family is Christian but you're not really sure what their views on gay people is really? My family has no real direct gay or lesbian friends, and I'm almost afraid of my mom blaming it all on me or saying that it's my fault or something similar. I'm not too worried about my father as i am my mother, so that is somewhat of a good thing.

  9. Anonymous

    A great article with really good tips on coming out can be found at http://ezinearticles.com/?Crucial-Tips-on-Coming-Out-As-A-Lesbian&id=823992 Whatever you do, remember to live life on your own terms, it is YOUR life after all Webmaster http://www.moviesforlesbians.com

  10. Anonymous

    Coming out when you aren't ready, or when you think your parents aren't ready for the news doesn't help at all either. If you have the slightest fear of getting kicked out, wait until you have somewhere to go, or can live on your own.