How To Deal With Man Flu

Step 1: Check it's not real

Doctors used to leave a £10 note at the foot of the bed, telling patients they could keep the money if they could sit up and grab it. If you even made an attempt, you didn't have real flu. So adapt this tried and tested strategy.....and there! Right! This man does not have real flu. He is a lazy, whinging malingerer with the sniffles.

Step 2: What you should do

Remember, in his mind he's about to drop dead- because he is a man. Women are nails. They are genetically primed for pain, hence high heels, waxing, and childbirth.
So accept the innate sex differences, accept his failings, and be nice. Do all your tutting and sniggering behind the door. When you enter the sickbay, you should be Florence Nightingale, ready to tend his brow, plump his pillows and mop his spittle.

Step 3: Regression

He will regress to boyhood. Encourage this. Buy him comics- as real books might strain his eyes. Buy him lollipops to soothe his poor throat. Maybe a cap to keep his head warm. If this does not make him feel better, he will regress further. So clean him up and burp him, it'll be over soon.

Step 4: Every cloud has a silver lining

You can take advantage of this pale husk of a man. First call in sick, blaming his weakness. Then confine him to your room, and pump him full of the type of medicine that'll make him sleep. Now make the rest of the flat a girlie den. Watch the films you want, eat what you want, and spend hours doing girl stuff. Just remember to come running when the little bell rings.

Step 5: When he's better

Demand the best present you've ever received- to offset the nurses' bill.