How To Get A Girlfriend If You're A Hopeless Nerd
Geeks are awesome. We fix your computers, we think up cures for diseases, and we run The Internet from our bedrooms. Sadly, when it comes to chatting up women we haven't a clue. This guide talks you through what you need to do to shape up and get your end away.
Step 1: Sort yourself out
Take a good hard look in the mirror. If you're one of those thin guys that looks like a RAT on SMACK, bulk up a little and put on some weight. Girls don't like the idea of snapping a man!
Likewise, if you're a great big fat heffa go to the damned gym and stop eating so much food. Get a grip on yourself, Honda.
Go to a shop and buy some proper clothes. 1-UP mushroom T-shirts and slogans about ‘TEH CAKE IS A LIE, LOL' don't count. Smarten yourself up a little. Big black leather trenchcoats don't make you look like Neo out of the Matrix, they make you look like a massive fudgenut.
Get a decent haircut, shave off any stupid pre-pubescent bum-fluff facial hair and scrub up as best you can. Put a bit of effort into your appearance, because let's be honest right now you frankly look like a God-damned disgrace.
Step 2: Work out what you're going to say
Granted, Wing Commander IV: The Price of Freedom has the best video game plot ever committed to CD-ROM. Or six CD-ROMS. True. But that doesn't mean chicks want to hear about it, so just keep it to yourself. Talk about pleasant, interesting things that are applicable to both parties.
If you can't think of anything to talk about, just ask a question instead – it'll make you look interested in whatever grot it is she's waffling on about, and it means you don't have to do any talking. Win-win, yeah? Talk about her.
Pretend whatever she's saying isn't duller than a Metal Gear Solid cutscene and don't forget to actually listen, no matter how dull the subject matter, in case something important crops up.
Step 3: Find a Girl
You're never going to be able to chat up girls in bars, that's Jock turf. It's a specific skillset you weren't born with, due to your ‘wrong' genes. Your only hope is to meet people by going out and doing things. Get a job, there's bound to be someone out there for you. Or join a club or a gym or something. Go places where there are PEOPLE to INTERACT with.
And World of Warcraft doesn't count, you Level 70 wassack.
Step 4: Man Up a bit
Stop sneaking about the place all the time being a weasily little sod. Hit Quicksave and remember that none of this really matters at all. Breathe deep and write IDDQD on yourself in biro, if it helps, but for the love of GOD don't say that sort of thing out loud.
Step 5: Pander to your Strengths
Much as girls love someone who'll protect them in the event of TERRORISTS or EXCEPTIONAL THIEVES taking over their office building, there are some much more important (and likely) day-to-day heroics you're designed for. Set up a wireless network or two, and buy some flowers.
Girls like flowers, and Jocks think they're too cool to buy them. You've got no shame left, so why not shell out £15 on some dying plants? What else were you going to spend that money on? Boxsets?
Girls are normal people, too, just like us but more bumpy. Some even like playing videogames or re-watching episodes of Lost for the Star Wars references. Not many of them, obviously, but some.
All in all, just learn to suppress your inner nerd and let them take over your soul. Alright, so you won't be able to keep on doing all the things you enjoy doing like writing Chun-Li Fanfic or leaving pathetic comments all over Digg, but to be brutally honest that's a pretty fair trade-off.