How To Get Elected President

Step 1: Qualify

You must be at least 35 years old (when you're supposedly mature) born in the United States and lived here for at least 14 years of your life, so when we go to war with the country you used to call home, fewer will question your loyalty to the U.S. As far as experience goes, none necessary. In fact… if you've already served two terms as president, you're out.

Step 2: Know The Law

More than half of all presidents were attorneys, so go to law school. Preferably Harvard or Yale.

Step 3: Be A Tease

Here's you: "Will I run? Oh, begosh, I'll have to form an exploratory committee. Oh, begosh, they say I should run, but... I don't know." After hemming and hawing, make your grand announcement on live television. "Because the people demand it, I'm running for President of The United States of America." False modesty creates buzz every time!

Step 4: Get Loaded

You need 9 to 150 million dollars -- just to get you through the primaries. If you're not rich, get knocking on doors of everyday citizens. Each individual can give you up to 2300 dollars. Or get a few corporations to pay for the whole shebang. They want access to the top, so they'll buy anyone who they think has a shot. And "anyone" means you.

Step 5: Kiss Babies

As you campaign from Iowa to New Hampshire to everywhere, invite yourself to homes for photo ops. Plan to spontaneously appear at local diners. Shake hands. Kiss babies.

Step 6: Fight Fair

Do NOT assault the character of your fellow candidates. Do not run attack ads distorting their
character, voting record nor military honors,
Do not leave flyers on cars in church parking lots suggesting they have illegitimate mixed-raced daughters. Let someone else do this step for you. Like an anonymous campaign staffer or a political action committee.

Step 7: Stick It Out

Don't make the prideful mistake of conceding too early. You came this far, see it through. You're gonna be President!
Just don't forget all the people who got you where you are. They won't forget you.