How To Get Elected President If You're A Black Gay Woman

Step 1: Look To The Past

Learn from the trailblazers… all those legendary lesbian African-American females who've held the highest office in the land.

Start with black presidents. Nope? What about gay presidents? OK... women? Not just yet. But don't give up! This is the land of opportunity!

Step 2: Act Presidential

Eleven presidents were members of the Episcopal Church, so sign up. Five presidents went to Yale and seven went to Harvard, so go Ivy League. Only one president, James Buchanan, stayed single his whole life, so find a state that'll let you get hitched. Eight presidents were from Ohio and eight more were from Virginia, so consider settling down there.

Step 3: Be Boldly Vague

Fill your campaign speeches with radically general ideas.

You're for change, leadership, common sense, and a better future. You're against poverty and crime. You're concerned about the environment, education, working families and health care.

Step 4: Look Presidential

Model yourself after someone who's already made it to the White House. Consider the look you've seen before, then go for it.

Step 5: You Don't Have To Be Popular

Four candidates took the White House without winning the popular vote. With the electoral college, the Supreme Court or the state of Florida on your side, even a gay black woman can be elected president.