How To Get Into Hogwarts

Step 1: Curses

One of the easiest ways to see if you are a wizard in the making is to try and channel your emotion and psychic energy. Manufacture an argument with a friend - preferably a friend who also wants to be a wizard - and see if in the heat of the moment either of you can summon up any magical curses for each other. The key to this is to channel all of your emotion and anger into objects lying around so you can use them as magical weapons. If you are having trouble getting angry wait until you suffer an injustice, then your desire for vengeance should kick in and cursing will become a whole lot easier.

As you discover your latent magical power, the temptation will be to test it to its limits. It is critical that you don't, until you have learnt restraint and control.... because accidents happen.

Step 2: Potions

Are you at your happiest in the kitchen, mixing up ingredients, or behind a bar inventing fantastical new cocktails? You are? Wow! This may indicate a natural skill with potions.

Investigate your magical abilities by using exotic foodstuffs, and try murmuring random words and phrases over the top of your casseroles, and gibbering into your broth. You never know what magical effect this may have and precisely because you won't know what these concoctions actually do, feed them to a friend before tasting them yourself.

If any magic happens, you are in business.

Step 3: Levitation

A key wizarding skill is the art of levitation which is lifting objects with the power of your mind. It requires discipline, calm, and constant control over your emotions. Failure to master levitation can be very frustrating, particularly if others are succeeding so you may need to let off steam with a bout of cursing.

Step 4: Predicting the future

If you get sudden tingling feelings, flash headaches, or particularly vivid dreams either you are eating too much mature stilton, or you have what it takes to see into the future. Only you'll know which. Learn to trust your visions no matter how unlikely they may seem. After all, who knows what accidents can befall an amateur wizard in training. There is no point seeing into the future if you aren't going to use it to your advantage.

If you show promise in cursing, potions, levitation, or predicting the future, it won't be long before the Hogwarts admissions department comes knocking.

Congratulations, you are now one of the select few mature students to be accepted into Hogwarts school for witchcraft and wizardry.