How To Get Over Him

Step 1: Denial

Surely he's joking? He can't live without you. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't fit with anything he ever said - what about all the flowers? And the kissing? And the meals? Is it April's Fools day? No, it's Friday the 13th….
Denial ain't just a river in Africa. It's now a river of ice flowing right through your heart.
This stage can go on for ages- the quicker you establish that you have definitely broken up, the quicker you can go on to the most fun and therapeutic stages of recovery...

Step 2: Anger

Getting angry is much more effective in a group-so get some friends round so you can unleash hell together. Slag him off, he was a right loser wasn't he? Remember all that doe eyed goofiness? And the way he farted in bed? And pretending he didn't fancy your mates?
Once you're angry, embrace it and use it for something constructive- do some spring cleaning, take up a new hobby, or write an album of power -ballads
Revenge is a dish best served cold, but you can serve it piping hot. And the anger stage is the time for this: If you have any of his stuff in your house, then chuck it, burn it, or sell it on eBay.

Step 3: Bargaining

This is the stage to get through as quickly as possible, as it is very unhealthy for your ego. You may be tempted to say or think things like "I wonder if he'd take me back if I nagged him less" or "perhaps if I made less salad he'd come back to me"

Avoid this- it's harmful. You have broken up for a reason- and you can't pretend to be someone you're not just to get him back, it won't work.
You must remember this after a drunken night out, when you are particularly vulnerable to needing some attention. It may be useful to have some carefully positioned reminders so you have no excuse for making a late night drunken phone call - because when you think you are at your most desirable, he won't.

Step 4: Depression

You may have lost the love of your life, the key in your lock, the sausage in your roll…. But there's two sides to every story. You're only remembering the time he surprised you with that weekend away, or the way he always made an effort with your friends, even though he had nothing in common with them.
Or that he never seemed to mind being uncomfortable when you were cuddling in bed.
Put away your rose tinted spectacles. You might be forgetting all the time you had to spend with his weird friends, having to pretend you enjoyed those weekends in the country, and all that terrible over-acting.
So avoid wallowing in the past glories of your relationship, look forward, and don't get depressed about things you can't change.

Step 5: Acceptance

Suddenly, one day it will dawn on you that it's over, and that you don't care that much any more. Congratulations, we always thought you were too good for him. You're a strong, independent woman and you're ready to move on. Who knows? Perhaps you're about to meet the REAL man of your dreams.