How To Get Served Quickly At A Bar

Step 1: Get to the bar

In a heaving sweaty bar that is three or four people deep, the critical thing is to seize any opening, no matter how small, and claim it as your own. It's a three step procedure. Snake your hand through the heaving throng until it touches wood. Getting your hand on the bar top is like staking a flag in the ground. Once you've done it the territory is yours. Now draw your body in at right angles to the bar, through any space that opens up. As soon as someone moves away, turn your body flush with the bar, with both hands planted on the woodwork.

Step 2: Get noticed

A decent barkeep will have a rough order of service in their head already based on first come first served and who's looking hot. But some barkeeps are not experienced, and will serve willy-nilly. You can exploit this. You need to catch the barkeep's eye as soon as possible. Use everything at your disposal to make an impression. Smile, look approachable and keep your impatience to yourself. If there's a foot rail, get on it. Spread your arms wide. Swell yourself up to your full height, like a thirsty peacock. Now follow the barkeep's actions closely. Never get distracted and look away or someone else can usurp you with a massive order.

Step 3: The critical moment

After he has given change to the person he's just served, the barkeep's eyes will flick up briefly looking for the next customer. He may know where he's going- but if you can influence him this is the split second to do it. Raise your hand, open your mouth slightly and lean forward a touch. The millisecond barkeep glances at you, call out your order in a loud clear voice, taking care to make it sound an easy one to fulfil. Slip in a heartfelt thanks. If you are planning a whole night's drinking, this is the time to make an investment in your future- by adding, 'and one for yourself barkeep' - which should ensure prompt service next round.

Step 4: Dark arts

All the techniques above do nothing to compromise your integrity. But there are some dark arts you can employ to get served even quicker. Beware that these can have instant results, but may sour a relationship with barkeep, so don't try them in your local.

1. Go over the top. From the back for the queue, spot the critical moment as above and scream out your order, simultaneously throwing your fist full of dollars over the crowd and into the hand of the barman. If you do this, everyone else in the pub will think you are an oik.

2. Cans do attitude. If the barkeep is displaying lecherous behaviour, which is disrupting the general flow, then just send in the fittest member of your party. For nothing says 'serve me' like a beautiful smile, or some 'come to bed' eyes.

3. The Gazump. You can wrestle control of the order of service by simply telling everybody you are next, in a loud and indignant voice. Say something like, 'I was here first'.

4. Make friends. Bond with the barkeep any way you can. Is it busy in here tonight? Say so. Is someone being rude at the bar? Acknowledge it. Has he been on holiday? How was it? Then as soon as the conversation has got going, order your drinks.