How To Get The IT Department To Do Their Actual Job

Step 1: Be A Girl

You're exponentially more likely to see result is you have the good fortune to have been born with lady bumps above your tummy . Doubley so if you're even remotely attractive . The IT department don't naturally find themselves in close proximity to breasts , so they have to seize whatever chance they can get.

Step 2: Nerd Up

If you're accidentally a lady with a face like a Brumak, or worse still a stinking rotten man, you're going to have to engage the IT clan on their own level. Learn the basics of sci-fi, video games and internet memes and drop them casually into conversation wherever possible. This way, they won't think you're a complete ‘douche', which is American and Internet speak for ‘wally' .

Step 3: Deal With Them Like a Grown-up

If your computer's knackered, don't start screaming down the phone blaming them and insisting they deal with it immediately like you're the only person on the planet. They're probably very busy using company bandwidth to torrent the latest episode of Battlestar Galactica. So when they do turn up be grateful, and apologetic if it turns out the reason it's broken in the first place is because your elbow has been leaning against the spacebar...

Step 4: Befriend Them

Firstly, they're more likely to turn up in the first place if you promise to play Team Fortress 2 with them on a Saturday night while all the pretty people are in nightclubs rubbing up and down against each other.
Secondly, if you get them drunk enough you stand a chance of being there when they do something they don't want anyone else to know about, which is your ticket to grade-A IT support for the rest of your life.

Step 5: Convince Them You Can Do It Yourself

If you're even remotely competent with a computer – and it's not that hard, it's only buttons and electricity for crying out loud – you might be able to convince the IT department to give you enough admin priviledges to sort things out all by yourself. To be honest, Google holds the answer to 99% of your IT queries anyway, which is the sort of closely-guarded secret the IT boys want to keep quiet because the quasi-irony of them being replaced by machines is unbearable.

Step 6: Own The Company

There's only one person the IT boys will bend over for, and that's the big boss. They'll smarm up to them like they're the very embodiment of Alyx Vance smothered in honey. Until then, you're going to have to keep banging your head against the desk and crying, while the IT guys sit about with an air of pompous superiority.