How To Have A Secret Affair At Work

Step 1: Be professional

Just because you know what sort of underwear they are wearing, does not mean you can't be professional in the office. Between 9 and 5 romance must appear to be the last thing on your mind. Maintain a work like demeanor at all times - avoid touching, lingering looks, or intimate conversations. If anything, give your partner a wider berth than other colleagues.

Step 2: Arrange rendezvous'

Set times and places to meet where you know you will get some privacy. Arrange your rendezvous like an MI5 agent: plan cover stories, arrive from different directions and think about escape routes. An empty stairwell, where you can hear people coming, is preferable to a stationary cupboard, where you can be easily caught unawares.

If meeting after hours pick a place far from your work location, you will be easily spotted in the pub on the corner. Remember to travel there separately, nothing will arouse suspicion more than the 2 of you leaving together.

Step 3: Don't leave any evidence

This can be anything from an undeleted email, to lipstick marks, to misplaced underwear. Cover your tracks at all times. If you have had a quick fumble in the photocopy room, make sure everything is in place before you return to your desk (and that you haven't made any copies.) Avoid sending emails through the company system as it will only be a matter of time before one gets accidentally sent to Matt in accounts, and you know how he gossips.... And never commit the ultimate sin - turning up to work in the same clothes two days in a row. This is a sure fire sign that you didn't make it home the night before, and will start rumours before you can say 'scandalous'

Step 4: Head off the gossip

At some point, someone will start to get suspicious. Quell any gossip surrounding you and your amour by ruthlessly starting more salacious rumours. What was the new temp doing in David's office all morning? Isn't it funny how Sandra, Lisa and Jenny from HR have all gone on maternity leave since Geoff started? Surely Richard's promotion was on his own merit, even though Keith says he's bribing the boss with certain photographs, you don't believe a word of it.

Before you know it, your torrid little affair won't even be worth a mention.