How To Intimidate The Opposition

Step 1: Pay them a visit before the game

In their dressing room

In their home

At work

Step 2: Size matters

If you're a bigger team let them know it. Stand over them and look down on them. Flex your muscles and show them that you mean business.

Step 3: Brag

Let the opposition know about your past exploits, all the games you have won and all the fights you have been in how many of your opponents you have killed or put in hospital – even if you've never done anything bad just lie and pretend that you have.

Step 4: Cheat

Use every opportunity to cheat your opponents – use the diving, the time wasting, fouling to put them off their game. I've made some special films for the Videojug so watch them.

Step 5: Help them after fouling them

Give them a friendly hand up from the floor with their hair, check if they are OK by putting some colour back in their cheeks, if they look like they need waking up a bit a friendly slap across the face may help.

Step 6: Fight

If you're losing by a large margin just start fighting them, they'll retaliate and the game will be turned into chaos and be abandoned by the referee, kick, poke the eyes, scratch and bite