How To Kill A Vampire

How To Kill A Vampire

Kill A Vampire. A guide to fighting back when faced with a member of the un-dead taking an unhealthy interest in your neck. A tongue-in-check video into killing a vampire!

Step 1: You will need

  • Garlic
  • A cross and bible
  • Holy water
  • A stake and hammer
  • A sword
  • Sunlight
  • A keen survival instinct

Step 2: Recognising a vampire

Identifying a vampire quickly means you can run away before he has a chance to attack. There are a few telltale signs that the man sitting across from this innocent girl is hoping that her blood is on the menu. Look out for two sharp fang-like teeth, that a vampire uses to bite into his victims. If you see him during the day lurking in the shadows, it is because a vampire will burn up in direct sunlight. This also means that a vampire doesn't get much opportunity to top up his tan, so look out for a pasty complexion. If there is still any doubt, check his reflection. If he's a vampire he won't have one.

Step 3: Warding off a vampire

Worried that a vampire is close by? Relax! It is known that vampires cannot stand to be close to garlic, so keep at least one clove handy at all times. If that doesn't drive him away, try wearing a cross, a symbol that can repel this immortal monstrosity. Following up with a bible, which a demon like this cannot bear to look upon, should make him turn away and flee back into the night.

Step 4: Burning a vampire

A vampire may become obsessive about his chosen victim like you would over your favourite bar of chocolate or breakfast cereal, so he will not give up easily. If you are being constantly harassed by a vampire, the only way to stop him is to fight back. You can hurt a vampire by burning his flesh, in one of two ways. If he attacks during the day, exposing him to direct sunlight will cause his skin to burn. It is also a good idea to carry some water that has been blessed by a priest. Throwing this ‘holy water' at your attacker will have the same burning effect as sunlight. In either case, the vampire now knows you mean business, and will think twice before coming back.

Step 5: Killing a vampire

The only way to truly be safe from a vampire is to kill him. To do so, you will need to arm yourself with weapons that can do the job. A wooden stake through the heart will cause a vampire to turn to ash. It is a good idea to also take a hammer with you, in case you find you are not strong enough to pierce his flesh on your own. The other way to kill a vampire is by cutting of his head. To accomplish this, you will need to find a good quality sword. Try searching your phone book for a good local sword dealer, like Duellist Swords in London. Make sure the sword is razor sharp so that it only takes one strong blow to do the deed.