How To Read Celebrity Gossip At Work
Videojug's guide to reading celebrity gossips digests in your office stars celebrities Bono, Paris Hilton, Kate Moss and, Pete Doherty! Well, sort of...
At Videojug nobody admits to reading celebrity gossip in work time. So the emails you really want to read sit in your inbox, mocking you, until you can come up with a way to peruse their contents without being fired. Here are VJ's best techniques for disguising your reading matter...
Being the boss isn't all blue-sky thinking/ They need their down-time like a Bono needs glorification: but how to consume it without setting a precedent and the rest of the office following suit? The technique is a simple illusion: simply book a meeting room and spread a print-out of the gossip email all over the table. Then phone a mate and laugh yourself stupid over slipped nipples and laughable hook-ups. To the outside world, it looks like a conference call.
Our secretary's technique was to nick a rear view mirror, with which to spy approaching bosses as she indulges in on screen gossip . She is a master of the 'click-away'...people know she was looking at something illicit, but they aren't sure what.
The real genius of this is that if challenged, she clicks back to a third screen with something of only minor interest on it: personnel files or a draft of the invite to the office disco. This excuses the subterfuge- and her gossip habit remains a dirty secret. If anyone gets too close to the truth, Twinkle can sic them....
The Tea Boy doesn't have his own computer, so he has to scavenge screen time from the staff around him. He has loads of strategies for getting people out of the office for long enough to get his gossip fix. Non-existent couriers in reception, fire drills, fictitious love notes. And we don't know what this grubby little fella puts in the tea, but it is really rather more-ish. And while the workers are busy huddling around the kettle, chasing the tea dragon, he's hotdesking madly until he's read everything
If you are the office fitty, then you need to work it. This beautiful specimen has an understanding with our Tea Boy. Every morning she stages a very public bust-up with him. She runs to the toilet cubicles in tears, where Tea Boy has already stuck up that week's print outs in exchange for free eyeliner. Twenty minutes later she's back, brimming with sleb antics, for sympathy and cake
The software developer uses a programme of his own invention to turn celeb gossip into binary code.
The receptionist gets digests voiceovered into her headphones by an adoring researcher.
The accountant pretends she's faxing the bank every week Literally everyone is at it- it's a miracle we have a website at all.
