How To Ruin Xbox Live For Everyone Else

Step 1: It's Never Your Fault

Don't worry; losing a game has nothing to do with the fact that you're a cack-handed little git, it's probably more that your controller is faulty. Yeah, a magic faulty controller. Or maybe the game was laggy as hell. That, or your teammates are unable to follow the simplest of orders because they're a bunch of [CENSORED] who wouldn't know a [CENSORED] video game if it [CENSORED] them up their bottoms.

Better complain incessantly to everyone else about the faulty controller or the lag or your teammates in a whiney, pissy sort of way. Then start crying.

Step 2: Trash Talk

Noone wants to enjoy a nice quiet game over Xbox Live. Noone wants to use the headset functionality to discuss ‘tactics' or exchange pleasantries or what-have-you.

What everyone really wants is for your pre-school mentality to unleash torrent of meaningless racist or homophobic abuse over The Internet.

“you [CENSORED]”

Brilliant! That's definitely true because they do probably look a bit camp in all honesty, and they're also quite likely to be pretty scared of you now for the whole entire rest of the game being so hilarious and downright quick-witted.

Step 3: Pretend You're Tough

In the ‘outside world', where girls laugh at you and the sunshine hurts your eyes, you're a weedy little misfit with odd hair and funny shaped balls.

Over XBox Live, however, you can be whatever you want to be! So why not pretend to be properly nails? Alright so when the oh-so tough, tough words come out of your whiney little mouth it'll sound less like a gravelly 80s maverick cop and more like Chewbacca dry-humping a set of bagpipes, but what the hell?

Step 4: Talk Too Much

Pressing a little button when you want to talk is for people who don't spend 90% of their day lying on the sofa practicing Halo 3 and having to piss into a bucket because they're too damned lazy to move their ridiculous frat boy arse all the way to the sink. What you want to do is leave it set to ‘always on', so you can provide some sort of perpetual running commentary of exactly what you're up to in-game. It's basically turning Xbox Live into ‘You FM', and you're the DJ! Who wouldn't want to listen to that? You as a DJ?

What's more, why not use Voice Mask feature to make yourself sound like that melting man from the end of Robocop? No one will be able to understand what the hell you're actually saying, but hey at least you'll be safe from all the paedos.

Step 5: Be a Teenager

Why not be a teenager This way your immature pissant attitude will be sure to get on everyone's nerves that while they're busy weeing onto their 42” plasma televisions in the hopes of making your unbroken ‘Screech from Saved by the Bell' whining stop, you can win the game and tell them they're all a bunch of ‘noobs' and use words like ROFLCOPTER that will, we guarantee, get you a thorough kicking if you ever dare to use them out here in the Grown Up World.