How To Start A Chain Email

Step 1: Tap Into Fear

According to watchdog groups like Hoaxbusters, standard chain letters can be broken down into three parts: the Hook, the Threat, and the Request. The Hook is a story designed to pique your interest; for example, "This email was crafted by renegade robots." This is followed up with threats of death, disfigurement--whatever gets fingers on the Forward button. You can avoid these looming disasters if you just forward the letter.

Step 2: Inspire

Make up a quote and attribute it to Einstein. Tell people that what they want is already inside of them. Take a cue from the holiday cards and urge your entire address book to return to what's important: friends, family, laughter. Send to Aunt Kitty and your work is done.

Step 3: Lament Modern Life

I think we can all agree that "things" used to be better then than they are now. Contrast today's miseries (war, inflation, the decline of good customer service) to yesterday's halcyon glow. Sub step: Blame the decline on the Democrats/feminists/media.

Step 4: Kids And Animals

Use pictures of kids… animals… or both.

Step 5: Friendly Warning

Make sure all your "friends" know about the new e-mail virus going around. The one that gets into your computer, changes all your screen names to Mommyboy, loots your credit card number and then uses it to shop for hemorrhoid cream. It also finds pictures from when you were 12 and you had that orthodontic headgear you had to wear at night, and forwards them to all your crushes.

Once your masterpiece is written, hit send and watch your creation roam to inboxes around the globe. Soon you'll be able to tell your friends, "I wrote that!" Of course, they may have changed their e-mail addresses by then.