How To Stop Being Horny

Step 1: Focus on the unsexiest thing in the room

Try focusing on any unsexy things you can see. How about Harold. If, in your warped mind, there is a certain something about him, how about some inanimate object, like a pencil or a sofa.

Step 2: Thinking unsexy thoughts

If you're having trouble finding actual physical images to focus on, try going all abstract. Think about things that are guaranteed to turn you off without being too explicit. Think about the damage barbed wire, a mousetrap, or a meat cleaver could do. These should make you droop like a flag on the moon.

Step 3: A short sharp shock

Sometimes the mind simply isn't strong enough to get you through this, so administer a bit of physical pain. Never stab yourself or break the skin, you might hit an artery. Instead stamp on your own foot, or give yourself a dead arm. Try and keep it subtle, or people will think you're a bit weird.

Step 4: Get out

Pull out, as quickly and discreetly as possible. Don't draw attention by excusing yourself, just go.
Retire to the bathroom for a little ‘me-time'. The bonus about doing this at work is you can time yourself, and work out how much you got paid for doing it! Afterwards you can return to deliver that killer speech, safe in the knowledge that you've cut off that awkward horn.