How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

Step 1: Know your Enemy

Zombies are dead people that shamble about, grabbing hold of you and devouring your flesh and brains.

Your long term prospects if you've been bitten by a zombie are bleak; once you've been bitten, you've got zombie in you, and you're either going to bite your friends, or get shot by them.

Step 2: Prepare Yourself

Women are your first impediment to survival in a zombie holocaust. You'll be spending most of your time running away, and pretty though she is, the lady is not built for running. From the high heels she'll inevitably be wearing, to her inability to move when scared, women can be the difference between life and unlife.

Don't panic. Zombies are slow and stupid but panicking people can be even slower and stupider.

Learn to identify a zombie. It's not hard; they're the ones stumbling about with an arm off or a chin missing or something, and dead, dead eyes. Quite often they smell pretty bad.

Doors and windows are not your friends. Zombies have an impeccable sense of drama, and will mainly attack at these moments.

Step 3: Tool Up

The trick to offing the undead is by either destroying the brain or severing the brain from the rest of the body.

VideoJug highly recommends you shop smart and carry at very least one of the following for your own personal safety:

Pencils; Cricket Bat; Screwdriver (preferably a Philips); A Sword; A Hammer; Molotov Cocktails; A Crowbar

If by some chance you've actually got your mitts on an actual boomstick please make the effort to shoot the zombies in the head; you'll need to learn very early on that no matter how much hot lead you pump into the cadaver's torso, it's not going to stop it.

Step 4: Those Around You

There are one or two hard-cast stereotypes you need to look out for.

Bite Victims: The best way to deal with your bite victim is to tell him you've found an antidote, get him into another room, then blow his head up with whatever you've got. If anyone asks where he went, just tell them "he said he hated you all and ran off".

Women: Because women don't enjoy watching people getting ripped in half, and seeing their guts tumble out like massive spaghetti, they'll generally freak out at some point. Just slap her - it's for her own good!

Double-Crosser: Snide, sneaky… a little nervy even. This type of survivor will pretty much definitely going to screw you over at some point. Just throw him to the zombies and save everyone a lot of bother.

Remember: Don't double-cross anyone. You'll get the nastiest death of all.

Step 5: Further Advice

Lifts: Aaaaaaalways full of zombies.

Loved Ones: Will die. Suck it up, you're going to have to be the one to re-off them yourself when they turn.

Whoever died first: Will come back at the end.

Scientists: Don't keep any alive for study. You're supposed to be smart. That's bound to end in disaster and for crying out loud - don't give it a gun…!

If you're backing away from something grizzly, please do take a quick moment to look behind you.

However you choose to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, do try and have fun.

Done!