How To Tell Her She Looks Terrible

Step 1: The 'You Look Lovely'

First, a bad technique. Do not to tell her the dress is the best thing you have ever seen her in….She might make it her mission to make big shoulder pads fashionable again. And if the outfit really is a turkey, she'll definitely hear it about from a girlfriend. Then your evening out together might be a night out for you.

Step 2: The Fashion Bitch

Use la-di-da fashion language to make it sound like you regularly lunch with Georgio. The fashion world is waspish and bitchy- adopt it's language and you can get away with criticism. Remember her feelings though.

Step 3: The Bullfighter

While pondering her question, quickly go to her wardrobe and put a hand on the coathanger that holds a favourite dress that looks great. Now turn, and give her the bad news about what she is wearing.
Use the dress matador style, to deflect her attention from you. She should see sense and put it on, without goring you to death.

Step 4: The 'Camera Lucida'

Say "I can't decide'. Take a snap from the front, and behind, and any offending details. Show her the snap. It is much easier to judge objectively a photo of yourself, than an image of yourself in the mirror. She will see the bad points about the new outfit immediately, while you never had to say a word.

Step 5: The 'Sabotager'

First tell her she looks fine, then open a bottle of red wine. Now get some on your fingers…. Now brush an imaginary something off her dress….. Now wait a minute…. Now tell her you think it's dirty. Commiserate, and suggest an old favourite as an alternative.

Step 6: The 'Death Wish'

Finally, if she is wearing something really slutty that you can't bear to see her in in public, simply tell her she looks fat….. But remember to have a first aid kit handy. Have a great evening with your gorgeous, fashionable girlfriend. What would she do without you?