How To Trap Santa
Santa Claus is coming! The best thing about Christmas is Santa Claus. The trouble is, he only visits once a year. So kidnap him! You'll get new toys every day, not just at Christmas! Here's Videojug's guide to kidnapping Santa Claus.
Step 1: The grab
Santa Claus has to get round every child in the world, in just one night - so he moves fast. He won't be expecting....
The drugged milk!
The electrified Christmas tree lights!
The African Dart Gun!
The Full Nelson!
Now make sure Santa stays captured. Santa has a big booming voice from all that Ho Ho Ho-ing, so you'll need to gag him. And he didn't get where he is today without being able to bring the pain. If he comes at you, show no mercy.
Step 2: Hearts and minds
Have you ever heard of 'Stockholm syndrome?' It's when hostages decide they actually like their captors. There is a fair chance Santa will enjoy being relieved of the responsibility of making every child happy. Now he just needs to make you happy.
Exploit this by giving him some freedom. Let him play his Genesis records as loud as he likes, let him stay up late and watch Takeshi's Castle, and let him win at Guitar Hero.
Step 3: Now make some money
Father Christmas is little more than a fat courier with a sleigh instead of a motorbike. Who has the real power? Who designs the toys, and makes them? The elves. So kidnap them. When news of Santa's kidnapping reaches the North Pole, an Elf SWAT team will be dispatched to bust Santa loose. But elves, however highly trained they are, can be easily distracted. Capture them too, and use their skills to set up your own toy factory. Soon you'll have a profitable toy-based sweatshop: Santa handles deliveries, the elves handle production- you handle the profits.
Step 4: Bear in mind
Congratulations on your new business. But remember you're going to be on the naughty list for the rest of your life!