Safety Lessons (BDSM Series Pt. 6)
This video is the last in a six-part series on BDSM. Dr. Joy goes over some key safety tips. For more information on love and health, or to read a full transcript of this video, visit http://www.loveandhealth.info
Step 1: Meet Joy Davidson:
Welcome to The Joy Spot. I'm Dr. Joy Davidson. I'm a Love and Health Advisory Board member, a psychologist, and a AASECT certified Sex Therapist based in New York City. And my website is JoyDavidson.com. Your watching the final episode in a series of 6 videos on the topic of “erotic power play” or what is more commonly known as BDSM. Today I want to concentrate on safety for those of you who may be newly exploring whether in a light hearted and light handed way or not.
Step 2: Playing safely:
You've already heard me talk about playing in a way that is “safe, sane, and consensual”, a phrase that has become the credo of the BDSM community. While BDSM is meant to enhance eroticism and emotional connection, many of the activities are complex enough to be comparable to risky sports or athletic endeavours that require training, ever increasing skill, and astute awareness. Thinking about playing safely means looking closely at all the elements and the know how that make the experience both physically and emotional exciting.
Step 3: Safety is key:
Safety is key for both partners, but clearly the safety of the Bottom needs special attention. He or she is often dependent on the Top, especially if in some kind of restraint. Even if not, he may drift into a much deeper altered state than the Top. A deep trance brought about by the cascading rain of exotic sensations. As a result, the Bottom is more reliant on the Top to be protective. One of the many reasons why it's important that the Top proceeds slowly in ramping up sensation or using complicated equipment with a new partner.
Step 4: Sometimes wisdom wins:
It's unwise for a Top to try to push a Bottom to experience more than he or she is ready for or knows that his partner can handle, sometimes even if the Bottom is asking for more. The Top needs to weigh wisdom against thrills and sometimes wisdom has to win out. The Top should keep watch for any signs that the Bottom is in physical distress, too hot, too cold, muscle spasms, too long standing in high heels, a range of things. And that means learning what signs to watch out for. For instance, a Top need to be sure that bondage isn't too tight, that limbs raised or held in position for a wile don't start to go numb or change color, that bondage never ever encompasses the neck, that nipple or genital clamps are removed before blood supply to the area is compromised which mean leave them on for no more than five minutes, that if a gag is used it has breathing holes in it, that the nose is always uncovered, and that the Bottom has alternate ways to safe word. For example, holding a ball in the hand and dropping the ball as a way of saying “Red” and the Top needs to pay attention to that hand holding the ball.
Step 5: Keep scissors handy:
Generally, bondage and gags shouldn't be used simultaneously anyway, and always keep the scissors handy for a quick exit. A Top should know that a common not so kinky fantasy of using silk scarves to tie a partner up is actually riskier than restraints designed for that purpose. Silk can tighten up and the knots can get so tight that they're hard to untie. Handcuffs, also the stuff of many fantasies, should be real police issue because the cheap sex toy shop type of handcuffs don't have the kind of double locks that keep them from tightening up when weight is placed on them. And that safety handcuff key should be tied to something bright and big like a great big red ribbon and then attached to either the Top or the Bottom for easy access.
Step 6: It's all in the detail:
I've barely scratched the surface here on safety but I hope I told you just enough to show you how much detail you really do need to know. You can get a lot of good advice from two of the best books that I know of on BDSM. One is called “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns” and the other is called “SM 101”. Safety is all about the details and just as in any daring sport this does mean instruction and practice. Going into a gear shop and buying a bunch of implements and using them without learning the ropes, so to speak, is a little like buying a Ferrari without a driver's license.
Step 7: Stay "safe and sane":
Because BDSM can include intense episodes of dominance and submission, the term “safe and sane” mean being aware of the effect of these psychodramas too. For example, lets say your in the midst of a scene where the Top is scolding the Bottom for some lapse so that he can impose the erotic punishment that they're both looking forward to. But somewhere in the middle of this, the Submissive's memories of early emotional abuse or maybe a violent x-spouse are brought to light, and a genuine emotional meltdown ensues. Or maybe it's the Top's memories that rise to the surface unexpectedly. Either way, it would be unsafe and hardly sane to proceed with an emotionally gripping scene in the throws of that kind of flash back as if nothing had gone wrong. The action has to stop to take care of the person in distress. Now this may seem obvious, yet we all have those places inside us that fight giving in to our perceived weaknesses and this is where our partners need to be wiser. They need to drop whatever scene roles they're playing and attend to the emotional needs.
Step 8: Know your partners limits:
Being “safe and sane” as you can see, covers a lot of ground and means paying acute attention to boundaries and limits across psychological, physical, and sexual dimensions. Because Bottoms are the recipients of the most intense sensation play, they are going to have more obvious limits. But Tops have limits too. Tops should never let themselves be egged on or intimidated by a more experienced Bottom who's asking for levels of intensity that they aren't comfortable with. Especially if they don't feel sufficiently experienced to engage safely. The urge among Dominants is to dominate and that can sometimes supersede caution and wisdom. When this happens it's out of a very human but ego laden tendency that even a well intentioned Dominant has to be wary of.
Step 9: Consent through negotiation:
I spoke about consent in a prior video and about gaining consent through negotiation. To summarize, no BDSM action should proceed without clear agreements and a set of safe words that are honoured at all times. And remember, safe words are there to be used liberally. Especially “Yellow” or whatever your declared signal for “that's enough”, “drop it down a notch”. That way you don't have to invoke any emergency stop signs. I've said this before but I'll say it one more time. Please don't try to be a hero or a tough chick by testing yourself early in the game or with a new partner. There's time enough to expand boundaries as you and your partner get to know each other's pacing and style of play. Part of being “safe and sane” is concluding a scene on a positive note. By that I mean when it's time for a scene to end there's a little thing called “After Care” that you should know about.
Step 10: After care:
After Care is a lot like “After Play” in vanilla sex, but it's even more crucial here because BDSM can sometimes be quite taxing to both the body and the psyche. Physical tension and temperature changes that occur during play are felt more acutely once the neuro chemicals of profound arousal ware off. So cuddling, snuggling under a blanket, hydrating with water, getting something light to eat, massaging sore muscles, all of these care taking niceties are part of being a conscious player. It's the Top's job to look after the Bottom, especially if they've done intense sensation play, because she or he may be swimming in endorphins and not really up to moving around at all. Even if you were in a scene where you were playing at being tough and rough, once the scene is over it's important to let your nurturing side shine through and shift back into the roles you were in before you began playing. A little later you'll want to talk about everything you did. What you especially liked, what could have gone differently, what you might want to do the next time. But just because one of you can leap seamlessly from playing into an analysis of the situation doesn't mean you both can. So, take it easy before debriefing and be sure your both ready. Try to relax and be there for each other. Some scenes end with or naturally roll into passionate love making and or wild sex, depending on the relationship. In that case After Play and After Care merge. Tops especially should not let the glow of their orgasm and satisfaction overshadow the responsibility to check in with the Bottom and make sure that he or she is OK.
Step 11: Further reading:
Before I conclude, I'd like to offer one quick word about picking partners for exploring any aspect of BDSM. If you're considering using on-line resources to find a partner, check out my Joy Spot video on protecting your privacy on-line. The video applies to any kind of on-line dating whether you're seeking your soul mate or your Friday night play partner. But it offers up a few extra suggestions for kinky daters. Also consider connecting with your local BDSM community and let experienced people act as mentors. You can search the internet under the name of your city and BDSM resources or BDSM lunches. Lunches are the community phrase for monthly get-together, usually in a restaurant or coffee shop to introduce like-minded people to each other. Most metropolitan areas have networks of generous and gracious people who will help you get acquainted and learn more about BDSM. Whether you're a single person or a couple who want to explore it together, your community can provide a wealth of resources. I'll also list excellent books, videos, and educational websites in the links section of my own website JoyDavidson.com, so be sure to visit me there for information on this and many other aspects of sex and relationships. In addition, loveandhealth.info, the Joy Spot's sponsoring website, has posted thousands of articles and questions that are answered by me and other experts on nearly every aspect of sexual health and expression.Thanks for watching today. Now go have a look at any of the episodes in this BDSM series that you might have missed.www.loveandhealth.infowww.HSAB.org
