Saying 'No' To Sex Without Rejecting Your Partner
Sometimes you just don’t feel like having sex. But when you just say "no," your partner can feel rejected. Dr. Joy gives advice on this topic. For more information on love and health, or to read a full transcript of this video, visit http://www.loveandhealth.info
Step 1: Welcome to the Joy Spot
Welcome to the Joy Spot. I'm Doctor Joy Davidson. I'm a health and science advisory board member a psychologist an asec certifies sex therapist based on New York. And my website is Joydavidson.com
Step 2: Common excuses:
Do any of these sound familiar? "Honey, I have a headache, Honey, I have a backache, Honey, I'm PMS-ing, not tonight" . Well, if they do sound familiar, I hope it's because there isn't a standard routine or a sitcom on television that hasn't beaten these themes to death. But if the only ache your Honey isn't having is for you, then you might feel kind of like the world is coming to an end. In fact, when one partner snuggles up with a glint of mischief in their eye and the other just gives them a little growl of "go away", not tonight starts to sound a whole lot too much like, "not with you".
Step 3: You might need sex therapy:
It can be pretty serious actually when "no" and "not tonight" represent a genuine lack of attraction or a serious downturn in desire. In that case my advice is to consult a sex therapist pronto. However, lots of times "No's" are situational and short lived. Yet they can still feel like a painful rejection. How someone says no can change whether the encounter is a harsh one or a heart warming one.
Step 4: Partners should watch this video
If you're the one who hears "no" way to often, I suggest you email this url to your partner, because I'm going to be speaking directly to the naysayers in this video. If you're one who winds up saying "no" a lot more than you would prefer, here are four ways to say, "not tonight, not now", or even "not that way" and still make your partner feel like you're ever desirable number one.
Step 5: Give the full reasons:
Point number one: Reschedule a rain check when you say, "not tonight". When you're exhausted or you have to be up at five, or you're on deadline or you really are PMS-ing, Make sure your partner knows the full reason you're saying no. And let them know that you do desire them. As formal as it might sound, schedule a rain check and say something like "I love you and there's nothing in the world that I would rather do, if I was up to it, but when I'm in better shape in a couple of days, I promise, so please bear with me." Then, ask if you can schedule a specific time, the sooner the better, to get together just the way you both want to. By being clear, even overly clear, about why you aren't up to accepting their invitation, and arranging a specific alternative, you're reassuring them that "no" isn't synonymous with "no way".
Step 6: Change your sex life:
Point number 2: If you're up for something different when your partner initiates instead of just bowing out, say, "How about this instead?" Sex doesn't always have to mean intercourse or require orgasm or even foreplay. The quickie, just like long luxurious love making, does have its advantages. If you think that in order to avoid the kind of sex that you don't want to have, you have to say no to all forms of sex, then you could be missing out on the delights that are just right for the moment. Don't take a feast or famine approach when you can have a snack mentality to sexuality. Speaking up about the type of sex you do want is challenging, but it's also far more interesting than just avoiding what you don't want to do. When a partner hears the message that you want something a little different than what they had in mind, they also get the message that details be damned, you want them. When you give yourself permission to imagine all possibilities and you lobby for what you really want, you'll usually find that "no" isn't the best alternative after all. Or even the most truthful response.
Step 7: Say yes to intimacy:
Point number three: Say yes to intimacy even when you say no to sex. For men especially, it's difficult to ask for intimacy without asking for sex. Even when intimacy is what they need more. They act like sex and intimacy are a package deal. Yet if men were as honest with their partners like my clients often are with me, from time to time they would tell them what they really need is warmth, affection, hugging, kissing and spooning. If sex is a no-go, instead of saying no, offer intimacy. Say, "I wish I were up to having sex right now, but I would sure love some affection and you look like you could use some too." Suggesting intimacy can be a true gift even better than sex. Well, maybe not better, but pretty damned good. To you sexual initiators out there, try not to shrug off intimacy and affection. No one is really about all sex all the time. It may take a leap of faith but it's good to pay attention to the distinction between the urge for sex and the urge for affection and closeness. If asking directly for intimacy is a real stretch for you, your partner will find it deeply endearing.
Step 8: Remain open minded:
Point Number Four: Remain open minded and tease, tease, tease. Saying no doesn't always hinge on whether or not to have sex, or what kind of sex to have. Often the how or where of the invitation can be a deal breaker. Like, if your Honey gets amorous in elevators, in the empty laundry room in your apartment building, or an isolated wind swept beach, and if the only flutter you feel in those places is the flutter of anxiety and the fear that someone else is going to catch you, then rather than copping an attitude and treating your partner like he or she has taken a leave of their senses, try playing along to the degree that you're willing to stretch your comfort zone. Having full blown sex in unusual places might not be a "yes" for lots of reasons, like, it's illegal in most locals for example. But, there's no harm in letting some risque kissing and caressing get past your internal sensors. And there's no harm in teasing like crazy about what you might be doing a little bit later when the two of you are alone. Most importantly, by playing along as far as you can without having a panic attack you'll show your partner that you're accepting, even if you have boundaries. Above all, don't give the impression that you're offended or scornful of their concept of fun. When people feel shamed they tend to shut down emotionally and sexually. At best, they're reluctant to share their next playful idea. Remember that a little something something is better than a sour look on your face. And acceptance reinforces the loving nature of your relationship. Which is what matters most in the final analysis.
Step 9: Thanks for watching!
Thanks for watching this episode of the Joyspot and I invite you to have a look at the other Joyspot videos and for more information about sex, love and health, or to submit questions, visit me at joydavidson.com
