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Secrets Of An (Un)Happy Relationship
Utilise your relationship issues to their fullest potential and turn a perfectly good relationship into a dried out, loveless husk. Our secrets of an (un)happy relationship will show you how.
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Step 1:
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Demand the impossible
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Your partner is completely unable to read your mind, therefore you should demand that they do exactly that.
Sulk around the house in a foul mood, but refuse to tell them why; after all, if they really loved you they should know what they've done wrong.
This will exasperate them, and should kick off a row in no time.
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Step 2:
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Choose your words
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When you eventually begin to talk, use language which will make your partner feel blamed, ignored, and misunderstood.
Instead of, "I felt really lonely when you went out last night," use phrases like,
"you left me all by myself last night; you're so selfish."
Absolutes like "always" and "never" are also useful.
Things like "you ALWAYS leave the oven on"
"You never listen"
"We always do what you want to do and never what I want".
This will make them feel inferior and alienated, and should give you the emotional upper hand.
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Step 3:
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Trivia
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Pick up on the smallest factual error in your partner's argument, and wave this in their face like a weapon.
For instance - "You forgot to put the rubbish out on Thursday"…
"Ha! The rubbish man comes on Wednesday. It wasn't Thursday, it was Wednesday."
Once you've picked up on it, use it as a basis for disagreeing with absolutely anything they've got to say, whether it's related or not.
This should make you so difficult to argue with that they'll just give up.
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Step 4:
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Argue about everything at once
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Take any conflict, however minor, as license to drag up all the issues you've been saving up to fight about.
Bombard them with criticisms and bring up every previous misdemeanor they've ever made.
This way you'll be able to turn a discussion about who drank all the milk into a full-scale row about how they're no good in the sack in minutes.
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Step 5:
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Use stress to your advantage
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Deep breathing, relaxing your muscles and calming your voice are all sure fire ways to ruin a perfectly good row. Keep the fires of rage stoked by assuming stress positions: pace up and down, hyperventilate and shout unnecessarily.
The more stressed-out you are, the better your chances of causing yourself and your partner lasting emotional damage.
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Step 6:
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Be a bully
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Beat your partner down by using a tirade of verbal abuse.
Pick on every flaw they have an exploit it to your advantage. Call them fat, ugly, or stupid. Do whatever you can to make them feel inferior to you.
It won't convince them to see your point of view, but it might get them to give you what you want - or leave.
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Step 7:
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Suppress your emotions
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Arguing is likely to throw up some interesting emotions for the both of you. Like a good cheese, though, these feelings only get more potent with age.
So rather than saying what you really feel and resolving the issue, take your emotions, screw them up tightly and lock them away in a box deep inside of you.
With any luck they'll niggle at you throughout your relationship, and spread like a canker eventually turning your home into a loveless desert of pain and dysfunction.
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