The Art Of Negotiation And The Art Of Play (BDSM Series Pt. 4)
This video is the fourth in a six-part series on BDSM. Dr. Joy discusses the importance of negotiating and being clear on what you want, when you want it. For more information on love and health, or to read a full transcript of this video, visit http://www.loveandhealth.info
Step 1: Meet Joy Davidson:
Welcome, I'm Doctor Joy Davidson. I'm a love and health advisory board member, a psychologist, and certified sex therapist based in New York City. And my web site is Joy Davidson dot com. Your watching one of a series of six on the topic of power exchange or power play. Which is more often known as BDSM. BDSM is all about consciousness and clarity. That's why nothing is more important than communication and negotiation. Even if your playing with a long term partner. Negotiations need to be initiated and renewed on a on going basis. Especially when anything changes. Whether psychologically and emotionally or physically. Think about this. When was the last time you discussed in detail who would do what to whom before having sex with a partner for the first time? Well in BDSM playing with power, sex, bondage and intense sensation means coming to terms with who is going to do what to whom before hand, and making agreements so that each partner is clear about the others desires and limitations.
Step 2: First phase negotiation:
Think of negotiation has having four phases. The first one is conveying information and asking questions. This is when you share information with your partner about your desires, your previous experiences, your limits, your fantasies. As well as your health or physical and emotional concerns. And they share theirs with you.
Step 3: Second phase negotiation:
The second phase might be called making requests, offers and counter offers. Like maybe you suggest that you'd like to use a set of handcuffs. And your partner is a little uncertain, leaning towards saying no. So you say, well how about if we put the key on a chain and put the chain around your neck so that you can always unlock yourself. And that sounds pretty good, so she says okay, let's give it a try.
Step 4: Third phase negotiation:
The third stage is sealing the deal. Stating the agreements, maybe even writing them down. Making sure that there are no ambiguities.
Step 5: Fourth phase negotiation
And the fourth stage is subsequent modifications. Someone says, I thought that's what I wanted, but now that we've gone this far. That's not what I really wanted, this is what I really wanted. Trying to cover all the agreements, and all the information, and all the commitments, is a big enough job. But it's also important to ask yourself. What have we avoided talking about? Is there a pink elephant in the room? And what are the provisions for changing your minds? Should you have a way of signaling a time out so that you can talk about that if you wish. Discussing all the possible permutations of also means, knowing what those possibilities are.
Step 6: The BDSM checklist:
An assist is the BDSM checklist. On the Internet a simple search of this key term will bring up numerous sites. Where you'll find lists of dozens upon dozens of activities. One of the best is at a site called Bondage dot com. Where they also provide information on most of the items on the list. And define the terms, explaining what each one really means. Most lists are set up so that partners can check what they've done before. How much they liked what they've done, and what they may be willing to try or might not be willing to try. The checklists are fun too, because they cover most aspects of psychological DS, SM, and sensation play. So you'll find everything from tickling to tattooing. From serving orally, to serving as a pony. From hoods to hot wax, and saran wrap to spreader bar. Just by talking about many items on the list, you'll learn a lot about your partner. What intrigues or titillates them. What they're longing to try. What they would never in a million years do, well except maybe in these narrow circumstances.
Step 7: Negotiating during a scene:
Another way of looking at what can be negotiated or what can be done during a scene. Is to conceptualize it from the point of view of the five senses. Let's take one sense, sight for example. If your the top, what can you do to create suspense, anticipation, even anxiety in your partner by playing on what you allow them to see, or not see. To hear or not hear. What you allow them to feel. Where you permit them to touch, or not touch. For a bottom, the world becomes a pinpoint of sharp focus and nothing matter except the top. The expression on her face, the sway of her hips, the determined stance she takes. And the breathless wait for a clue to what might happen next. For the top, laying out a range of objects that you might or might not use can arouse the bottoms imagination. As much a part of the set up and build up, as what you actually do select later. At the right moment of highest psychological impact, and act as simple as picking up an item you know your bottom loves or loathes, or would like to have some experience with. Meeting her eyes, pausing, waiting. And putting it down again, can provoke a powerful response. And each reaction builds upon the one before it, and prepares the bottom for the one that follows. Blindfolds enhance sensation, suspense and the tendency to startle. Hot and cold sensations can be confused, intensified. Startled increases pain, but not harm. An unexpected sensation can seem far more vicious than it is, leaving only a trace of blushed skin behind. The deliberately torturous cultivation of anticipation, uncertainty, tension and excruciating attention to the moment. This is how power becomes pleasure.
Step 8: Safe words:
Amidst all the drama. One stabilizing element is the awareness of and skill in using safe words. Safe words are designated to be sure that no one gets more of anything than they bargained for. Even if the scene is designed to be primarily psychological. Safe words are a ways of quickly and directly communicating. More, back off, or stop now. Often, colors are used. Green for, I like that, more more . Yellow for, maybe back off a little bit, it's getting too intense. And red for, this has got to stop immediately. Safe words are words that you wouldn't ordinarily utter during a scene. That's why, stop, isn't a great safe word. If resistance is any part of the story, you want to be able to say stop and have that ignored. That's why red, or even safe word is better because it's an unmistakable code. However, safe words are only as good as the manner in which they're utilized. And sometimes people have trouble bringing themselves to say the words. When two people are deeply engaged in a scene, especially when there is a strong element of DS. Some submissive hesitate to use safe words. The combination of wanting to please a partner and wanting to challenge ones self. Leads to seeing the safe word as a sign of failure. As in, if I have to say red, then I'm failing my partner or I'm failing myself. At the least, I'm spoiling the fun. This however is a faulty and unsafe perception, and it's one to be aware of. But to understand this better it helps to use a sport metaphor. People who push them self to climb a higher mountain, to ski a steeper slope, are always upping the ante. They often proceed after being injured. As though pain was just another obstacle to get through and to test oneself against. These thrill seekers often collect gold medals and multi-million dollar endorsement contracts for their troubles. But BDSM players who go for the gold don't get such rewards. And actually there is one key difference between the athlete and the erotic thrill seeker. And it lies in the bottoms state of extreme sexual arousal. And the degree to which he or she is literally drugged by the endorphins and neuro-chemicals which are released during intense play. The combination of physical sensation and sexual arousal, will take the bottom in to what if often termed as sub-space or beyond. A place where she is flying somewhere else entirely. And this is a space which is far more compromising to judgement than the state of mind of most extreme athletic events. So more care must be taken. That's why my advice, especially for beginning players, is to always practice using your safe words, especially yellow. And sometimes to use them early, so that both you and your partner learn what is and what is not an appropriate level of intensity for you.
Step 9: You can always go higher:
You can always crank up the passion next time. You can always go higher, go further next time. But you do nobody any favors by getting caught up in that safe word as failure maze. To the contrary, if you use safe words. If you use them liberally early on, you will learn that they are guidelines, they're boundaries that you can stretch later. And by using them you build upon the tops ability to trust you too, to feel that he or she is safe with you. Remember, responsible tops want you to feel wonderful after being with them. They don't want you angry, scared, or resentful. And they don't want to feel stupid, guilty, or careless. By using safe words as they are meant to be used, you build a better relationship. Not just a better scene.
Step 10: Thanks for watching.
Thanks for watching today. I invite you to have a look at all of the joy spot videos, including the others in this BDSM series. And for more information about sex, love, and health. Please visit Love and Health dot info. And my own web site at Joy Davidson dot com.
