The Realm Of Bizarre News 9: Jessica Alba’s Evil Spirits
Be sure not to miss this very special episode where Dr. Ruehl reveals a famous movie actress that he likes: Jessica Alba. Could this be a crush? Well, whatever it is, be sure to keep your hibernating shelled friends in the fridge this winter. Why? Don’t you worry, Dr. Ruehl will fill you in.
Step 1: Welcome to Bizarre News:
Welcome once again, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to The Realm of Bizarre News. I'm your host, Dr. Franklin Ruehl, and we'll start up with a trivia question. Let me get it here, from its paper prison. The question: what is the technical term for a group of turtles? Multiple choice, inverse alphabetical order. Is it a wake, raft, host, or bail? Now the prize: the only prize is one pat on the back that you'll have to administer to yourself. Heck of a lot better than a slap in the belly -- ouch! -- with a wet trout.
Step 2: Tortoises in the fridge:
Now, speaking of turtles, their cousins, the tortoises actually hibernate during the winter. But, if the temperature should heat up, they will awaken. Then, if it drops down again, this can prove fatal to them. So the Tortoise Association of Britain is arguing that, if you have a pet tortoise, you should keep it in the refrigerator for the duration of the winter. If you don't have room, throw out some food and protect your pet tortoise. Yes.
Step 3: A bale of turtles:
Now, for a group of turtles, again, we have the question: is it a wake, raft, host, or bale? Is that your answer, a wake? No, it's actually a bale. You have a wake of vultures, a raft of otters, and a host of sparrows -- just in case you're ever on that Millionaire show.
Step 4: Haunted Jessica Alba:
Now, the actress Jessica Alba has recently recorded that when she was a teenager, aged 17, living at home, she was menaced by an evil spirit, and she was so frightened that her parents actually had the home blessed and threw sage all over, to drive out that evil spirit. But today, she's convinced that there is life beyond the grave. That's why I like her so much.
Step 5: Time travel:
Now, two Russian physicists have argued that with new experiments coming up in Geneva at CERN in May, where atomic particles will be smashed together at almost the speed of light, a portal to time travel will be opened, in other words, a wormhole, linking the past, the present, and the future. However, sceptics bring up the so-called Time Travel Paradox. If a man went back in time, he theoretically could kill his parents, preventing his own birth. But if he is never born, how could he kill them? However, we'll see what these experiments bring forth in May. I'm hoping time travel is a reality. Yes!
Step 6: A strange demise:
Now, let's look into the Vault of Strange Deaths, here. We have ... Sounds like fun. A British tourist at a northern Italian ski resort slid down a slope on a mattress! Sounds like great fun. But he was going too fast and he couldn't control the mattress, smashed into a fence, and was killed! Darn! Now, I don't know if we have any skiers in the audience, but if we do, please, please do not slide down a slope on a mattress. We can't afford to lose even one of you out there! Thank you.
Step 7: Thanks for watching:
Now, until next time, may the Power of the Cosmos be with you! Yes! Yes! Yes!
