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The Realm Of Bizarre News, Episode IV
Extricate the new episode from its digital prison and watch the man we all know and love! This week it's golf balls, new planet systems, and, of course, pats on the back (that you give yourself).
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Step 1:
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Introduction
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Welcome once again ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to the Realm of Bizarre News. I'm your host Dr. Franklin Rule. Let's start out with a trivia question here. Let me extricate from its paper prison.
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Snakes
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What is the term for the fear of snakes?
Multiple choice answer; is it inverse alphabetical order: Tauruphobia, ophidiophobia, musophobia, or allurophobia. Now the prize, the only prize for the correct answer is a pat on the back that you'll have to administer yourself. But that's a heck of a lot better than a slap on the belly with a wet trout, isn't it?
Now, speaking of snakes, a female python named Augusta in Brisbane Australia entered a henhouse and swallowed four golf balls. Now, what were the golf balls doing there? The couple that owned the henhouse had put them there to try and induce the hens to lay eggs. Instead, the snake was choking to death on them. They took her to the vet, he [the veterinarian] extracted them, and put them on eBay, and there were over five hundred offers for these snake-ingested golf balls. The final price: twelve-hundred and fifty three dollars. How about that!
Now, for the trivia question. Again, what is the fear of snakes? Is it taurophobia, ophidiophobia, musophobia, or allurophobia? Is that your final answer, taurophobia? No! It's ophidiophobia. And for the record, taurophobia: the fear of bulls; musophobia: the fear of mice; and allurophobia: the fear of cats. (Just in case you're ever on that millionaire show)
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Planetary System
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Now, we have a new discovery from VAPL of a planetary system consisting of five planets about the star 55 Cancri about 45 light years from Earth. It is the first solar system discovered that has more than four planets, other than our own.
And by induction, we believe that they are rocky, Earth-like bodies among these gas giants and that by further extrapolation, every star in the universe is encircled by an entire family of planets and that on each one of those planets there should be an entire spectrum of life ranging from lower to higher embodiments, none of which necessarily English-speaking, humanoid, or intelligent, but certainly alive. And on some of those bodies, intelligence will have evolved. Yes, I think this is proof that the universe is literally teeming with life. No doubt about it whatsoever.
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Caviar Treatments
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Now let’s look at the actress Angelina Jolie. It's reported that she's now undergoing caviar treatments for her skin. The caviar is actually rubbed into the skin during a three hour session that costs 200 dollars. Now, that's a little too rich for my blood, I'd like to get a can of tuna from the Dollar Store, rub it on my skin, and if doesn't work, I can always eat the tuna, yes.
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Damaged Hand
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Now, let me read to you from the Good Book: Matthew chapter five, verse thirty. "And if thy right hand offends thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee." Now, a man up in Hayden, Idaho apparently took that to heart. He saw the sign of the Devil in his hand, and I don't know if it's the number 666 or some other demonic sign, but he chopped off that hand, had the presence of mind to put a tourniquet around the stump, then place the hand in the microwave until it withered away to nothing so it could not be reattached.
And you know what I say about that man? Obviously a man of high principle. Also, a strong candidate, a very strong candidate for our Dufus of the Week award.
Now, until next time, may the power of the cosmos be with you! Yes! Yes! Yes!
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