The Realm Of Bizarre News 8: Crime And Punishment
Why is Dr. Ruehl wearing a trenchcoat and a hat? Is it raining in the realm? No! No! No! He's doing a special episode on crime and punishment. All this, and the toilet paper tube from episode three makes a very special guest appearance.
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Step 1:
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Bizarre News
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Welcome once again ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, to the realm of bizarre news. I'm your host Doctor Franklin Ruehl, and a very special edition, the amazing world of crime and punishment. Yes, I said crime and punishment. I'll start off with the trivia question here. Let me extricate it from its paper prison. The question: What is a term meaning wasp-like? Multiple choice, inverse alphabetical order. Is it vulpine, viverrine, vespine, or vespertilian? Now the prize, the only prize is one pat on the back that you'll have to administer to yourself. Heck of a lot better than a slap on the belly with a wet trout.
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Wasp assassin
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Now speaking of wasps a man in Modesta, California was driving his pickup truck when he reached for a can of soda, but when he opened it, wasps flew out. It turns out that his wife had placed the wasps in there trying to kill him, knowing that he was allergic to insect stings, but he averted disaster. She also tried to hire a hitman. That failed; she's now in jail. Now for that question. What is the term meaning wasp-like? Is it vulpine, viverrine, vespine, or vespertilian? Is that your answer? Vulpine? No, it's Vespine. For the record vulpine is fox-like, Viverrine mongoose-like, and vespertilian bat-like. Just in case you're ever on that millionaire show.
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Stupid Criminals...
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Now for some stupid criminal tricks. First, two seniors, 65 years each, had a friend die with an uncashed $355 social security check. So they put him in a wheelchair, wheeled him down to the local check cashing office and tried to cash the check, but a plainclothesman outside the door realized the man in the wheelchair was dead and now they're in jail.
Two criminals down in Melbourne, Australia robbed a cuckoo restaurant, ran off with what they thought was a bag of cash, but when they opened it they found it was just a bag of bread. Darn! They also ran to the wrong getaway car and one of the partners accidentally shot the other one in the hip.
And here is a cow. In Kadai, Malasia two rustlers took a cow and forced her into the back of a sedan. Somehow they got her in there. They were being pursued by villagers, crashed into a tree. Somehow they survived, but the poor cow died. Stupid criminal tricks.
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Calcutta con artist
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Now for the realm of bizarre criminal news. Let me take the little black bag and see what we have. Surgical gloves and a knife. Now this pertains to a con artist in Calcutta, India. He gypped five Calcutta banks out of 6.75 million dollars using falsified loans and forged checks. He then fled to Europe, this is back in '95. For several years they could not extradite him. Finally, in 2002 he's going to be extradited from Germany. So he swallowed a knife, and claimed that if he had to fly back to India the turbulence of the flight might dislodge the knife, killing him. So he got away with that for several years, but finally at the end of last year they flew a special plane with medics to pick him up and fly him back to Calcutta. He's now on trial, the knives still in his tummy. Good try.
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Farewell.
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And here's a TP tube. This pertains to a woman down in Corogaples, Florida. She was in line in the grocery store. Suddenly, she darted out without paying for her groceries, was arrested for shoplifting. Her excuse: she has irritable bowel syndrome. She had to rush home to the bathroom; that the bowel syndrome turned her into a shoplifter. Darn. Darn. Darn. Now until next time may the power of the cosmos be with you. Yes! Yes! Yes!