Basics Of Multicultural Manners
Why are multicultural manners becoming more important?
Multicultural manners are becoming more important because there are penalties if you don't pay attention to them. For example, there was a skek customer who went into a Mexican restaurant. It was a new Mexican restaurant. And as you know the skek's males must wear their hair. They never cut their hair and so it is all bound up and they wear a turban. And when this gentleman entered the restaurant with his wife the matronde said, "I am sorry sir but you will have to remove your hat". And he said "But this is not my hat this is part of my religious beliefs" and there was a verbal confortation and ultimately the skek customer sued the restaurant. So had the manager been more aware of skek traditions and ones that cannot be broken because it is like a religious rule that cannot be broken (this could have been avoided) There ended up being a monetary consequence for being unaware. Now it doesn't have to be punishment that you have to be afraid of but this is a global economy and it is important for us to know what the rules are. You can't know all of the rules, but at least have an awareness of when communication goes wrong that perhaps it is because you didn't understand some of value and some custom or belief of the person you were dealing with.
Why do people of other cultures retain their traditions and beliefs?
While it seems that people retain their beliefs and customs, those customs and beliefs actually do change just like ours do. But if you're a person who comes to a new country, you want to hang on to what represents home, but meanwhile, home is changing all the time. There's a name for it: theory of marginal survivals. That you do it just like you did it in the old country but you don't even know that the old country has changed their ways. So while it seems that they're very conservative in maintaining their own traditions, eventually time and interaction with other people will erode and ease those traditions, creating a melting pot of traditions.
Why should I change my behavior in my own country?
There are many Americans who resent the fact that there are so many immigrants and they're in my country now, why do I have to change my ways? Well actually you don't have to change your ways you can continue to do everything the way you like, but I think personally that you're missing out on a great opportunity to expand your experiences, to expand your friendships and there's a lot of positive reasons why you should open yourself up to different ways. I mean I thought it was really exciting when they opened up an Iranian ice cream store in Glendale and so when my children come to visit I say, "Oh you have to come and try Iranian ice cream, it's so fantastic." We could shun the store and say "well I'm not interested in Iranian ice cream I prefer Häagen-Dazs", but I like all of them. There's no reason why I have to choose one brand or one style over another but it's fascinating and if you can't travel very much this is a way to experience cultures and you're right here at home. So I think it's an advantage, but it's definitely not required.
How can I teach multicultural manners to my children?
I think the whole notion of teaching multicultural manners to your children is a false one. It's one of those things where your children will model your behavior. If you expressed respect for other people, then your children will pick up on it. It doesn't matter what you say, they will know. If you have a neighbor and you're very friendly to that neighbor who's from a different background, and yet when they leave you say something very snide about them, the children will pick up on that hypocrisy. Now all my children have experienced growing up in this household which is very ecliptic as you can see behind me. But we've always had guests from different cultures. Whenever it's Thanksgiving I like to invite people who are not American, so that they can experience it too. And I think that my youngest daughter expressed it the best. She said that she considers herself a cultural chameleon, she can change and she can just fit in everywhere. And many, many years ago I was doing research for the Smithsonian, and so we were in Samoan households, we were in Armenian households, and she learned just by watching them and watching me. And it's nothing that I, you know if I sat down and read a rule book to her it would have meant nothing. But your children learn the most important things from you by the way in which you do them.
How can I learn multicultural manners?
If you're interested in learning more about other people customs and multicultural manners, step outside your box -- whatever that box may be, your regular routine. Say you read about the Nisei Festival in Little Tokyo. Go down there, go with open eyes and open hearts and see the kinds of things that are emphasized, you'll see the tofu area where they show all the different ways in which you can make tofu, or watch the flower arrangement section, or hear the taiko drums. Or if you're brave -- and I know this is really hard to do -- and that is to attend a house of worship ceremony. Most always, people who are of different religious faiths are so excited when someone visits their house of worship and they are happy to answer your questions.
How can I remain true to my culture while respecting others?
I think that by respecting other people's culture you aren't taking anything away from your own Americanism, your own belief in your own God or not belief in your own God. I think that the more you learn, whatever you learn does not diminish your basic beliefs. I believe that by respecting others, we increase our self respect at the same time.
How can I apologize properly if I offend someone of another culture?
To make an apology that works, I think, you take your chances and you be sincere as possible; and if they don't accept it, they don't accept it.
How can I let someone of another culture know they have offended me?
If someone offends you it's really hard to say. I can't think of any instance in my own experience where that has happened. You have to be very diplomatic and say, "We're still friends and I understand that you didn't realize." You have to give them the benefit of the doubt, you have to be very diplomatic, and maybe it will work. Or perhaps it may just make it worse and it's too late. You know, we take chances, we take risks with all sorts of relationships. And sometimes saying the truth is the best way, and sometimes forgetting about it is the best way. You have to make a choice.
How can I share my culture with others?
My husband recently died and we're Jewish and I knew we would have many people at the funeral who were not Jewish. And so beforehand when I met with the Rabbi I explained that to him and I said, "Please, as you go along remember that many, maybe most of the people in attendance are not Jewish and they won't understand the meaning of certain things that you do. So I would appreciate if you would explain things to them." And afterwards I did have people thank me very much for that, because some of the things seemed kind of mysterious.
