BDD And Suicide Attempts
When did you first realize that maybe your thoughts weren't entirely rational?
The first time I ever thought that something might be wrong and my thoughts weren't rational was I was actually at the grocery store at three in the morning waiting for the cashier to come back up and I was reading through this teen magazine and I saw this little sliver of an article talking about obsessive compulsive disorder. And it didn't really hit anything about my appearance, but it made so much sense about the hand washing and the constant towel washing, the clothes washing and cleaning. And that's when I really felt like that part of me might be wrong, definitely the appearance part, I was okay with, I mean I was realistic, I was ugly, but as for the hand washing and all the extra stuff that was taking all the time, that might be a disease because of this article.
What was your lowest point with BDD?
It just got to the point where I was I can't do this anymore. As scary as suicide was, it was such an easier solution than what I was going through. I remember completely being by myself. I had seen a movie a couple days earlier of plugging the exhaust pipe and locking yourself in your garage. I remember driving my car into the garage, I remember plugging any holes, I remember plugging the exhaust and I just sat in my car. I kept running from my car to the mirror. I kept looking in the mirror and I just kept seeing this acne that would not go away. Do you want do this anymore? Do you really want to do this anymore, Chris? Because this is going to be your entire life. You're ugly for your entire life. You're going to have horrible skin for your entire life. Why?I had pushed everybody away. I had no friends, no family to support me. I really felt alone. My BDD was so strong that it completely won. I got in my car and I ran the car. I just remember sitting there listening to music and just being done. Really not caring about anything but death. Wanting to kill myself. I remember getting really light headed, really gassy, not really knowing where I was, almost kind of drugged. Looking in the mirror, and for the first time I felt happy. I felt like this is what I needed to do. Relief. No more stress, no more pain, no more drama. Everything was so much.
How did you survive your suicide attempt?
I wouldn't be here today. I don't know if it was God, I don't know what it was. My roommate actually worked opposite schedules to me. She was supposed to be at work. And she never ever comes home from work. She's the kind of person that would go to work if she lost a leg. She came home because she was feeling sick. And she heard me in the garage. And she went in the garage. She was kind of like, "What? What's going on. What are you doing." Opened the garage door and stopped it. And she didn't see the plugged exhaust. I kind of blamed it on, "I was getting to leave and fell asleep." And now I was almost mad and angry. And I'm like now I can't kill myself. Now I have to try to get the courage to do it again. I almost blamed her. Now I have to go through everything I was going through and I was just dreading it. No I
Were you grateful your roommate saved your life?
I remember just being absolutely angry at my roommate. I remember I knew that my roommate was going to tell somebody. I was so angry. I had finally found an out. I felt this like this was finally the only step to get rid of this. And I didn't see this as a disease at this point. I felt like this was really normal. I was hideous and I was so mad that she was the one who stopped this.
When did you decide you needed help?
I remember going to my mom's house. I didn't really know that she knew. I kind of had told her on the phone that I needed to tell her something. I knew that my whole family at home was watching me more. I just remember going to my mom's house and her just bawling right when I walked in the door. Telling her that I had attempted suicide, and her completely bawling and saying that she knew. She just kept blaming herself for not being more involved in my life, and just kept telling me that she was going to get me help. At that point it was not an option to kill myself any more. I realized no longer was I living for myself, I was more living for my mom. I just didn't want to leave my mom without a son. Seeing her completely wracked, my love for her over did my love for wanting to kill myself.
