Before Forming A Stepfamily

What if my children don't like my fiance?

That's one of the hardest thing that when your children really don't like your fiancé, and there's no guarantee that they're going to. Yet it takes awhile for people to adjust to new people and you might be hoping that this relationship is going to "everyone is going to like each other fast." Maybe back off and let it happen organically. Because the kids didn't ask for this change. All these changes are happening to them. So don't take it as it's set in stone, give it some time to just develop on its own, and they might find a way to like each other over time. They might not, but they might too. It's when you're putting on that extra pressure and that hope, letting them know it disappoints you. You're putting more pressure on them. So just take that pressure off and it really might develop that way.

Should I consult my children if I want to remarry?

People ask me if they should consult their children if they want to remarry all the time. And my answer to that is, "Would you consult them if you were going to buy a new house? Would you consult them if you were going to change jobs?" You would discuss it with them, but you wouldn't consult them. And there's a real difference. Of course you want to talk to your children about who this new partner is in your life and that you want to remarry, and let them talk to you about, what they like about it, what they don't like about it, the changes that they're afraid it's going to make, so that you have an open conversation. But you don't consult them. Because it's not up to them if you're going to marry this person or not. It's really between you and your new partner whether or not you're going to marry. So it's a real difference between a consultation with your children, and discussing with them, and preparing them, and talking to them about this new change that will occur in your life.

Can I still remarry if my children don't like my fiance?

I would have to ask you to ask your children what is it that they do not like. In other words, is it that there is something going on with the partner behind closed doors that you do not know about, that you should know about. Or is it that they do not like the fact that this person is coming in and making rules. Or they do not like the fact that the realization is hitting them that you and their mother or father are never getting back together. Children, a lot have studies have shown that what they really want, even if they know logically that Mum and Dad did not belong together, they really deep down want Mum and Dad getting back together. A new partner moving in means it is pretty real, and then marriage means that it is very real. So they may dissent a lot and that is to be expected. But you really want to find out why. You want to find out if when you are not there, your partner is being a really tough disciplinarian or there is something really serious going on. Short of that, if it is not really serious, but it is - I do not want another adult in my life making rules for me, I do not want this again, they could get divorced and for you to be able to say: "I am sorry you feel that way because ideally I want everyone to like each other. But I hope that you will respect the fact that I love this person and he or she will respect that I adore you and that you will find a way to, you do not have to like them a lot. Just be respectful."

When should I consider counseling for my family if I want to remarry?

Ideally, in the ideal world, you and your new partner would go to someone of who knows about step families to do some pre-step family counselling because you are going to be encountering dynamics and issues that you never encountered in a nuclear family. The movement of a step family is completely different and when you got married the first time, there were no children and so you had time to, have your time together as a couple and get to know each other and then children came. In the step-family the children are there so you do not have that honeymoon period at all. In fact you have more stress in the beginning and you need to understand that and how it is going to impact the dynamic in your household so that you will know what the issues are. So I would say for you and your partner sooner or rather than later “you know” understand the norms of the step-family, understand its own cycle is going to be very very different. When you know it then you have a place to have a dialogue from and it should stop some the arguing and help you to develop some more problem-solving skills. When you are in the step-family, again if you know the issues, and you could develop empathy for everybody in the system, then probably you can reduce a lot of this tension yourself. But when you are in the step-family and over time one of the children really starts acting out or becoming very very hostile or the fighting is erupting almost to divorce then it is absolutely the time. I would like to see you to get your symmetrisation before the, is it that would be much helpful to you so you do not go any blind.

What if I want to remarry but I don't want stepchildren?

When people ask me, "I fell in love with someone and I want to remarry and they have children, and I don't want to be a step-parent". My answer to that is: then don't marry that person, period. There's really nothing more to say because your partner comes with children, they're going to be a parent. If you are there you are going to be in a step-parent role, like it or not. So if you don't like children, if you don't want to be a parent, don't do it.

What if my kids are worried that my marriage will change our relationship?

All kids are worried that your new marriage will change your relationship. They've seen you fall in love and they've seen you want to be with this other person, which means they've gone through a serious of losses. They've lost the family they knew and their mom or dad being around consistently and now they're afraid they're going to lose you. And they might also be afraid that they're going to lose you because you're going to pay attention to your partner's children. So they're going to be concerned about all these losses and the only thing to do is to know this so you can talk about it with them. You can reassure them, you can talk to them about change and start teaching your children about change. There are some losses with change and you can explain to them what things won't change. And that some changes, even though we don't know what they're going to be, can be good because we don't know what's coming. So helping them talk about it, because they are going to be worried.

What are typical stepfamily issues I might face?

When you are in a step family what you really need to know is that first of all you are going to start off with these hopes and expectations that this family is going to be different and those are quickly going to get dashed because of the disappointments that are going to come and if you know what the disappoints are going to be you can weather the storm. The disappointments are going to be that everybody doesn't love each other instantly, that there is going to be friction in your family, that your kids are, pretty much even I don't care how good the children are, this doesn't mean bad kids, they are going to try and split you up. They are going to play mom against dad they are going to split up any new couple for a long time. So be aware of that and then you and your new partner can develop a parenting coalition or a parenting support team in your home that can help weather that storm because you know the storm is coming. It will come. Also it would help you to know that you are going to go through a period where you really immersed in rocky waters and you are going to feel that you can't get out. And this is a time to either go for some counseling for the two of you or to just know that you are in the storm. Again the kids are going to act out, more than likely. It is rare that it doesn't happen. I think it also helps to realize that you are going to feel, if you are the biological parent, that you are going to feel so caught in the middle so many times between wanting to please your spouse and please your kids and that is going to be a really hard place to be. You also need to know that your new partner is often going to feel left out completely. That they don't belong and that they don't fit in. So when you know these things you can be empathic with yourself you can be empathic with your partner and you can talk about it as a couple and that helps.