The Basics Of Child Behavior
What is "child behavior"?
One of the skills that parents learn in the classes is to understand a child's behavior. Because if you think about the metaphor of an iceberg floating in the ocean, the part that you see that is above water, that is visible, and you can actually have an experience with, isn't indicative of what's in the invisible below the water. So 8/9ths of an iceberg is below the water in the invisible. That is a great metaphor for understanding human behavior. What you see is on the surface. What you don't see and never have seen is a thought, a feeling or a need. You don't see those. You only see behavior. So from the behavior we have a tendency to interpret what we think the person is thinking, what we think the person is needing, what we think the person is feeling. But we could be off by miles if we're just guessing. Yes, we get to know people and we can anticipate what their behavior means, but many times parents don't know what the child's behavior means. So in the old-fashioned authoritarian, it didn't matter. As long as the behavior was consistent with what I (the boss) wanted we were okay. So the thoughts, feelings and needs didn't matter. Now, a modern parent is very considerate of what is the child thinking? What is the child feeling here? and what is the child needing?
What can I do to understand my child's behavior?
The way – the method – that is most effective in learning what a behavior means, is listening. And remember, that was not the not the hallmark of the authoritarian parent; it wasn't something they needed to do. But now, parents see behavior, and they need to listen and find out what is the child thinking; what is the child needing here? And what is the child feeling? And when they do that, now the opportunity of solving problems together is phenomenal.
Should my parenting style change as my child matures?
There are very distinct developmental milestones that children go through, but there is also a philosophy, there is also, regardless of the age. I have in my classes parents who are pregnant or with newborns in the class with people with teenagers. I don't specialize particularly in all those developmental styles and techniques and knowledge because so much of it is available, there's so many books written on it and so on. What I offer parents, regardless of the age of their child, is a whole philosophy on how to look at that child. So if you have an infant newborn child, this child is behaving in certain ways, it has needs, it is thinking and feeling, and you have to listen. So what do you do if it's a baby and the baby can't talk? The baby is talking all the time. The baby is constantly talking. It isn't about words. So that's what parents need to learn. They need to learn effective listening skills. Regardless of the age of the child. If you have a teenager who's sullen and withdrawn and depressed and won't go to school, and so on and so forth, what's different? You have to learn to listen.
