Child Behavior: Misbehavior
Why do children misbehave?
Children may misbehave because they don't know better: they're children. They don't have judgement. Most children are learning judgement, so misbehave. Most children will steal things. Most children will start a fire somewhere. Most children will misbehave by doing unsafe things like running into traffic, and all kinds of things, they're children. Children will misbehave and experiment with all kinds of things. They don't have the maturity and they cognition of an adult person. Because children misbehave, they need parents, and parents should expect these things to happen, rather than thinking "they're misbehaving." Misbehaviour is a problem to be solved. Misbehaviour is an opportunity to teach a child about not shoplifting, about how to act in school so you don't get D's on you report card.
What is the most important thing I should do when my child misbehaves?
When a child misbehaves regardless of the age of the child, we're back to that what you see above the water is the behavior and something the child's doing and you're interpreting as misbehaving. It's extremely important to get underneath that and find out the thoughts feelings and needs of the child that is misbehaving. Then once you understand the thoughts feelings and needs about that behavior, say, Jimmy, we need to make a plan or you need to make a plan so you can fix this and I like to know what your plan is.
What is the key to understanding my child's behavior?
It would be one of the biggest miracles if parents could just stop asking their children questions. Instead, start with the word "I."; you will never go wrong. "I." "I don't understand. I'm concerned. I'm so happy. I love it. I'm really confused about this". When you start with the word "I," you are inviting an exchange. Whereas when you say, "Why did you do that? What's wrong with you? How come you're not finishing up? Don't you think you ought to...?" you get all this crazy thing of "I don't want to, I don't have to, I did it already." Then you get all this crazy making dance that drives parents crazy, and they don't realize that it isn't the child; it's them.
What are the steps to managing a child who misbehaves?
So there is a problem. Let's take the deal of the report card most children will have that experience at one time or another. And the first step is “Johnny, there's a D on your report card”. Step one. Identify the problem. Two, “I don't understand why you got that D”. And you listen as to why Johnny thinks he got the D and then you say. Well, I'm wondering what could solve this because D's aren't okay. So I'm wondering what you need to do at school that would change this, so you don't get another D and you make a plan and you do that with him. Because after all it's his D not yours and he has to change his behavior and correct his behavior in school where your not even there. It's his problem, you're helping him solve it and you make a plan. When I go to school, I am not going to be talking when I'm not supposed to or whatever the issue was and you make a plan he does it. You evaluate - Johnny how is it going in school? Is that problem being solved now? And then you find out and you will know by the next report card if there's a D again. What a lot of parents do is they talk too much and the child never has a chance. Children are children, they need a minute to think. So you wait, you wait and also the technique is you look “I don't understand why you got this D” and I'm looking at you and I'm waiting for an answer and very few chances are rare a child won't answer.
