Child Behavior: Temper Tantrums
What is a "temper tantrum"?
With regards to child behavior, a temper tantrum tends to surface around the age of two. This doesn't mean that babies can't have temper tantrums in their ages younger than two, but one of the things that happen at age two for the first time is that the child is really coming to the realization "I'm not part of my mother". Or, "I'm not part of who ever is taking care of them". I'm my own person, and as my own person, I should have a voice and that is called individuation. The psychologist word for it is the child is individuating. I'm my own person, you can't tell me what to do.
Why do children have temper tantrums?
Children who have temper tantrums are going through a phenomenon called a "push-pull phenomenon" where they are being pulled into being their own person, who knows who they are and you can't tell them what to do; they think they're all grown up, and here they're being pushed into being just a little baby who doesn't know anything and you need to take care of me. So in a temper tantrum you have these two countervailing push pull energies, that are going on in the child. Things will happen that the child becomes completely overwhelmed by. They are emotionally flooded out and then they will go into a rage of temper tantrum and it will be not logical by an adult standard, but the child may be in a rage of temper tantrum because you wouldn't give them a particular thing like a cookie if you're in the grocery store. The child flips into a rage of temper tantrum. What are the thoughts, feelings and needs that are creating this rage of temper tantrum? A rage, a tantrum is not about the parent. A temper tantrum doesn't have anything to do with the parent. It has to do with the child being completely overwhelmed and not knowing what to do, not understanding what is happening. And they become flooded out with their emotions and then they are having a temper tantrum.
How do I prevent temper tantrums?
You can prevent temper tantrums by anticipating the situations wherein the child is likely to have a temper tantrum. For one thing, a lot of parents don't take the time to prepare their children for what's going to happen next. Children don't like change. They just don't; period. They are very conservative little beings. You prepare children: "Now we are going to go here. This is what's going to happen. We are going to meet so-and-so. We are going to go shopping and get a birthday present for your friend." That's back to conversation; having conversations so the child understands what's happening around them.
What can I do to stop my child's tantrum before it gets out of control?
If you see a tantrum coming--and mostly you do see it coming--you can use distraction. And say, we're going to go over here or we're going to do this. Most parents learn that very early. It averts the tantrum because children don't have a very long attention span. So you can deflect their attention away from what's upsetting them, provoking a tantrum, onto something else that would not upset them.
What do I do when my child is having a temper tantrum at home?
A lot of parents don't have a clue how to handle a temper tantrum and so they mishandle it and it escalates. In fact, instead of solving the problem now with logic, you try to solve the problem with drama and it adds to the misery. So instead, the parent should identify that he or she recognizes that the child is having a problem. Say: "You're very upset." Talk in a low voice: "I understand and I love you. You're very upset and we're going to figure this out. It's okay. You're okay. You're going to be okay." You reassure the child that they're okay, and they will calm down. But when parents, their anger comes up and they go into their own tantrum, now you have two people tantruming. So a tantrum should not be ignored. You shouldn't chastise or make the child wrong for having a tantrum. You should understand the child is completely overwhelmed.
What do I do when my child is having a public temper tantrum?
If you're in a public place where the child has a temper tantrum, then the technique I would recommend is - one, if you can remove the child that's one thing, but you probably don't have to remove the child. What you can do is speak to the child in a low, quiet voice and identify that you recognize that the child's having a problem and reassure the child that they're okay. That's really important. Say, “I know you're upset. I understand. I love you. It's okay. We're going to figure this out,” and pretty soon, before you know it, the child's sniffling and calming down because they've been heard. Part of the temper tantrum is, “You don't hear me! You're not listening to me!” when you give them your full attention and reassure them that they're okay, then they will calm down.
