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Child Co-Sleeping

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Child Co-Sleeping

Gary Feldman (Medical Director, Stramski Disorders Center, Miller Children's Hospital ) gives expert video advice on: At what age should my child stop co-sleeping? and more...

What is "co-sleeping"?

Co-sleeping is where a child and a parent sleep together in the same bed. There are pro's and con's to it. The pro is that you can be with your child, the child can be with you the whole night, and when your child wakes up spontaneously in the night, they can see that mom is there or dad's there or both are there, and they'll go, spontaneously go back to sleep. The problem is that when the child gets older, well firstly there's a privacy issue, if privacy's important to the parent or parents, and number two, as the child gets older you may come to a point as a parent that you don't want your six year old or your nine year old or your twelve year old to be in your bed and then it might become, it might become a problem because it has become so habitual that to get a child out of the bed can be difficult. I mean, if a child is twelve years of age it's probably not going to be much less of a problem because you can induce a lot of incentives and some other behavioral strategies, but for that's younger, you know a child that's maybe younger than six years, or even younger than eight years, they are so used to this that it's going to be significant work to undo that habit that they have to get them to sleep on their own.

What is "reactive co-sleeping"?

Reactive co-sleeping is when your child is waking up in the middle of the night and you're sick and tired of going to their crib or going to their bed to meet whatever their need is. It is much easier to just pick them up and bring them to a bed, or when the child wakes up and has the ability to climb out of their crib and walks to their parents bed. You're so tired that you grab hold of them and bring them into your bed because we are all so exhausted and we just want to get some sleep. It is not really a good idea to do reactive co-sleeping, because you are not solving the problem. The whole reason why it occurs is because your child is waking up frequently. Your child's sleeping habits are broken. It is liking painting a wall when you've got moisture, and you are just painting over the moisture. It is just going to come through again. It will just be coming up again and again and again - it just doesn't solve the problem.

At what age should my child stop co-sleeping?

There's no real defined age as to when your baby should stop co-sleeping. That really depends on why you're co-sleeping in the first place. That may be your preference. For some cultures, it's more normal, if you like, to co-sleep than for others. I don't believe there's a right and wrong about co-sleeping. The problem is that when you decide not to co-sleep, by then your baby or your child is going to be in the habit of wanting to sleep with their parent. Generally speaking, the younger the child, the easier it is to break the habit.

What do I do if my child resists leaving co-sleeping?

There are a couple of approaches you can do. You can do it gradually or you can do it a little bit more abruptly. For instance, you can say, “Well, you know, Johnny, Mommy will sit with you, she won't lie with you in your bed, but she'll sit in the room next to your bed while you fall asleep.” You can do that and gradually, you can move you chair further and further away. Or, you can do it more abruptly, and say, “You're a big boy. Goodnight”, and turn off the lights, or maybe leave a nightlight on if that's what the child wants, and then leave the room. Now, the child may protest, and in that situation, you're going to – that's where we start our, sort of, sleep training. The sleep training technique really applies to whether it's a small baby or an older child. Now, getting back to this three year old and up, they might start saying, you know their imaginations are very, very vivid at that point, and you know, afraid of the dark and afraid of monsters is a big deal. And, to avert that, you can also do – you can also give the child control over the monsters, too. One of the things is that you can create monster spray. You know, during the daytime, you can get one of these little bottles that you can put water in – and you concoct it, you can put water in, you can put color in, or something, obviously, that's safe, perfume, and get the child involved in creating this monster spray. Or, you can get a recipe that you've created – a monster spray recipe – and get the child involved with you to make monster spray. Then, before you go to sleep at night, you know, he sprays the monster spray, and that deals with the monsters, because monster spray is actually very long acting. It actually works the whole night, and in fact, goes right into some part of the day, too. It's very powerful stuff. Monsters don't dare come into a room where there's been monster spray. That's kind of like a little example of how you can give kids control over their fear of the dark or their fear of the monsters.

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Tips & Comments
  1. student-of-life

    My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years, and we have lived together for more than a year. She has a son whose father is not around, and doesn't have contact. The child doesn't know his father. He is now 6 years old and resists the transition from co-sleeping with his mother which to my understanding has taken place his whole life. Since we have been living together I have felt uncomfortable with her son sleeping in the same bed as us. His mother argued the fact with me up until the past 2 months. She finally too into consideration my feelings on the matter and got the child to sleep in his own room; however, he wakes up continuously throughout the night wanting his mother. She comforts him by sleeping next to him in his bed, and if I make any suggestion for her to quit and come sleep in our bed we end up arguing. We decided to go to couples counseling to help strengthen our relationship and become better parents. We discussed the co-sleeping issue with our counselor, and she suggested the mother attempt to get the child to sleep alone by a series of steps starting with sitting up next to the child when putting him to bed. This has worked at putting him to sleep just fine for the first 3 nights, but the child still gets up in the night. Any time we have made an attempt to get the child to sleep in his own bed by himself he resists to the point of punching the walls and screaming out continuously for as long as we could tolerate...about 2 hours one night. This continues to be a problem. Tonight is the third night she has tried what the counselor suggested, but when her son put up a fight for a half hour, I was made out to be a horrible man for believing the child should sleep alone in his own bed. She went to his room and went to sleep with him. Now I come from a family that did not co-sleep, and she comes from a family that did. Her son is not mine so it makes this situation different than if we were a married couple and the child was ours. I don't know what action to take next. I feel strong about her child not sleeping in my bed, and I would like my girlfriend to come to bed with me. I love them both, but this issue is the core reason I have not asked her to marry me. Am I being too selfish for wanting to sleep with my girlfriend without her son in the same bed? I'm open to any suggestions or comments about my situation.

  2. sharonatlast

    Having a child sleep separate from the parents tells the child "You get to go sleep all by yourself in a cold, dark room, while daddy and I get to sleep together in a nice warm cozy bed." How sad! Those who bring up sexual issues with cosleeping and say it's wrong should get counseling on their own hang ups, and are probably not good candidates for healthy co-sleeping with a child anyway.

  3. wzguy

    I think parents who choose to sleep with their children are just focusing their neediness, and insecurities on their children! It's wrong, and the child should have their own quarters, and bed! Case in point, my girlfriends child comes crawling into bed with us every time we sleep together! I feel uncomfortable with that, and wish it would stop! Privacy must be instituted into the relationship, or I'm done with my woman, and any other woman in the future who will not respect my wishes! I take good care of the family, I pay the bills, food, and clothes, her ex does not always pay his support, and she will not report him! I think it's sad with the wold parents sleeping with the children thing! It's like the mothers use the children as security blankets! When fathers sleep with the children, women always look upon it as sexual! The answer is clear, DON'T SLEEP WITH THE CHILDREN!

  4. Anonymous

    My ex co-sleeps with my 10yo daughter still. When my daughter comes to visit me she does not want to sleep alone and her mother has told her it is illegal and imoral to sleep with her dad at her age, so she cries and has guilt feelings sleeping with me. I want to slowly get her to sleep by herself but it will take her mothers co-operation. I think my ex is wrong in telling my daughter it's OK to sleep with her but illegal and imoral to sleep with her dad, which in essense sexualizes my relationship with my daughter.

  5. DavidAstronaught

    My wife started sleeping in my ten year old daughter’s bed. My wife complained our bed was uncomfortable at this time. I worked long hours getting home around bed time usually. Quite some time had passed before I realized what I was missing and wanted my wife back in my bed, I rectified all of the problems my wife used as excuses to return. Our marriage is now failing. My wife and daughter through age 13 and now 14 are still co-sleeping could this ever become a problem for my daughter and should I be concerned? Any help would be appreciated. Thank you

  6. mysticaura

    It is comforting to know I am not alone. My girl is 4 now, and I am in no hurry to stop the co-sleeping. These years are so precious! I think that she will eventually want to go and sleep by herself on her own, just as she stopped nursing after 2 years on her own, and decided she wanted to stop wearing diapers at 1year old. Time will tell, but for me, I think it is best just not to force the issue.

  7. Anonymous

    To the person who stated that people who stated that people co sleep their kids for selfish reasons.. huh. What are you new? People have been co sleeping with their children for as far back as time. People co sleep for their own personal reasons and don't need to be thrown down for their choice. I co slept both my children and my husband and I love the close bond we have with them. You make it out to be something wrong. That they are cast away when they transition. Huh!!! Do you have children?? P.S My oldest was transitioned when he was 9 months and all is great! I have a three month old now and he's doing great.

  8. Anonymous

    My friend has a nine yeal old son who wont sleep in his bed. My friend is a single parent and can NOT SEEM TO GET HIS SON TO STAY IN HIS OWN BED AT NITE. Is there any thing I might be able to do to give this family the support it needs to fix this problem.

  9. Anonymous

    It seems to me that most parents co-sleep for selfish reasons, they don't think about how traumatic it will be for kids to be cast out of their parent's bed at a particular age or worse to be replaced when a divorced mom or dad remarries. Why would you set your child up for that kind of rejection? Don't you think your child will feel they have been replaced by a new partner/spouse and therefore hold resentment toward that person which could have been avoided? What message does it send? "I have this new person so you can't sleep with me anymore". Also think of how the new spouse will feel, it puts them in a bad situation. Everyone needs their own space for a sense of independence and autonomy. Ask yourself the question before you co-sleep, "Do I want my child to sleep with me because I feel lonely or guilty about not spending enough time with him/her or it's just easier than to fight with my child?"

  10. Anonymous

    I have a question I have a friend that thnik that her son and daughter is just fine sharing a room together. He is 6 and she is 5. Please gives some in sight on this.........