Child Co-Sleeping
What is "co-sleeping"?
Co-sleeping is where a child and a parent sleep together in the same bed. There are pro's and con's to it. The pro is that you can be with your child, the child can be with you the whole night, and when your child wakes up spontaneously in the night, they can see that mom is there or dad's there or both are there, and they'll go, spontaneously go back to sleep. The problem is that when the child gets older, well firstly there's a privacy issue, if privacy's important to the parent or parents, and number two, as the child gets older you may come to a point as a parent that you don't want your six year old or your nine year old or your twelve year old to be in your bed and then it might become, it might become a problem because it has become so habitual that to get a child out of the bed can be difficult. I mean, if a child is twelve years of age it's probably not going to be much less of a problem because you can induce a lot of incentives and some other behavioral strategies, but for that's younger, you know a child that's maybe younger than six years, or even younger than eight years, they are so used to this that it's going to be significant work to undo that habit that they have to get them to sleep on their own.
Should I co-sleep with my baby?
Many books will lay out rules about co-sleeping with your baby. There are really no set rules. It is to do with what works for you and your child, and how it affects your quality of life, for instance, is it wrong to co-sleep? Not necessarily. There are some safety issues, especially in a young child under a year of age, when considering SID (sudden infant death syndrome), and the risks involved, but yet the risk of smothering if you co-sleep with your baby. In essence, if you're able to sleep well as a parent and your child is able to sleep well, sleeping next to you, it's fine. If your child is kicking and turning around and ends up with his or her feet in your face and it bothers you, well then for you, it becomes a problem. So again, it's a case of what's right for the family. It's not what is right according to books. It's what works for everybody.
What is "reactive co-sleeping"?
Reactive co-sleeping is when your child is waking up in the middle of the night and you're sick and tired of going to their crib or going to their bed to meet whatever their need is. It is much easier to just pick them up and bring them to a bed, or when the child wakes up and has the ability to climb out of their crib and walks to their parents bed. You're so tired that you grab hold of them and bring them into your bed because we are all so exhausted and we just want to get some sleep. It is not really a good idea to do reactive co-sleeping, because you are not solving the problem. The whole reason why it occurs is because your child is waking up frequently. Your child's sleeping habits are broken. It is liking painting a wall when you've got moisture, and you are just painting over the moisture. It is just going to come through again. It will just be coming up again and again and again - it just doesn't solve the problem.
How can I co-sleep safely with my baby?
Co-sleeping safely with your baby is really a case... What you want to prevent is smothering your child. I mean, that's the key thing. You also want to prevent your baby from becoming too warm. So again, sufficient space, and making sure that your baby is not too warm, and making sure that there are no objects in the bed that are going to smother your baby, or that your baby is going to be at risk of being smothered. Some ways that you can be safe when you're co-sleeping with your baby is to use some wedging. You can take some poles, as long as they're small. Because ideally you want your baby to lie on their back. That's ideal. You don't want your baby to roll over onto their stomach.
At what age should my child stop co-sleeping?
There's no real defined age as to when your baby should stop co-sleeping. That really depends on why you're co-sleeping in the first place. That may be your preference. For some cultures, it's more normal, if you like, to co-sleep than for others. I don't believe there's a right and wrong about co-sleeping. The problem is that when you decide not to co-sleep, by then your baby or your child is going to be in the habit of wanting to sleep with their parent. Generally speaking, the younger the child, the easier it is to break the habit.
How do I help my child transition from co-sleeping to sleeping independently?
If you want to transition your child from co-sleeping to sleeping independently, your strategies really vary according to their age. You've got to understand, at some point the child is not going to want to do this. There's going to be resistance. Now, if you're dealing with an older child, maybe a child that's 3 years and up, you may be able to use what are called incentive techniques; by saying, “You know, you're a big boy now. You're big enough to sleep in your own bed. Let's get you your own bed. Look at your bed.” Get your child involved. You must understand that children at about 3 years or more, even a little younger, want to be autonomous; they want to kind of make decisions for themselves. It's very important for them to feel that they're in control. So, you involve your child and say “Let's go and pick out the bed. Let's go and make the bed. Let's prepare it,” and get your child invested and involved in the situation. You may say “Now you're a big boy, and if you can sleep in your bed, you can get a sticker, and if you get so many stickers then you'll get a certain treat.” Remember that you've got to be very graphic and be very concrete. So, it's basically incentive driven. You may want your child to get used to it first. You can use the same kind of principle you'd use when you're potty training. During the daytime you may want the child to lie on the bed and play on the bed initially, just get used to the idea of “This is my room. This is my bed” and then constantly reinforce it: “Wow, you're such a big boy. You're lying on your own bed. That's such a good job. Wow, that is amazing!” Just reinforce it so the child starts to feel internally that “This is something I have control over.” That really helps a great deal. If the child feels that they have some control over what they're doing, it makes this transition a lot easier.
What do I do if my child resists leaving co-sleeping?
There are a couple of approaches you can do. You can do it gradually or you can do it a little bit more abruptly. For instance, you can say, “Well, you know, Johnny, Mommy will sit with you, she won't lie with you in your bed, but she'll sit in the room next to your bed while you fall asleep.” You can do that and gradually, you can move you chair further and further away. Or, you can do it more abruptly, and say, “You're a big boy. Goodnight”, and turn off the lights, or maybe leave a nightlight on if that's what the child wants, and then leave the room. Now, the child may protest, and in that situation, you're going to – that's where we start our, sort of, sleep training. The sleep training technique really applies to whether it's a small baby or an older child. Now, getting back to this three year old and up, they might start saying, you know their imaginations are very, very vivid at that point, and you know, afraid of the dark and afraid of monsters is a big deal. And, to avert that, you can also do – you can also give the child control over the monsters, too. One of the things is that you can create monster spray. You know, during the daytime, you can get one of these little bottles that you can put water in – and you concoct it, you can put water in, you can put color in, or something, obviously, that's safe, perfume, and get the child involved in creating this monster spray. Or, you can get a recipe that you've created – a monster spray recipe – and get the child involved with you to make monster spray. Then, before you go to sleep at night, you know, he sprays the monster spray, and that deals with the monsters, because monster spray is actually very long acting. It actually works the whole night, and in fact, goes right into some part of the day, too. It's very powerful stuff. Monsters don't dare come into a room where there's been monster spray. That's kind of like a little example of how you can give kids control over their fear of the dark or their fear of the monsters.
