Child Communication: Issues
How do I communicate with a child in order to solve behavior problems?
What you want to accomplish is participation with the child in solving the problem. Not you “up here” telling the child what to do or how to think and act. And not giving the child the power position either, that's not going to work. So instead, in the breakthrough you will share the power. You will say, “I want to know what you know about why you got a ‘D' on your report card.” Now that's the beginning of solving problems isn't it? When there's a problem, what makes it a problem? I want to hear what you know. So then we're going to figure out a solution to the problem. So you're using participation, and when you get to making a plan, you want a commitment from the child to follow through. Great, we have a plan. Now do it, and then you evaluate, and you follow up. So you make an agreement with the child that when the child goes to school they're not going to be having fist fights, they're not going to be talking out of turn or whatever the issue is. And we call that the “principle of participation” to get a commitment so that there's an agreement.
Why is it important not to ask my child questions when he is misbehaving?
Asking a child who is misbehaving questions hands the power over to the child, and let the dance begin. This is permissive parenting, where the child is now in charge of the parent. And the parents say, "Well, don't you think you ought to do this, and don't you..." And the misbehaving child has all the power in the situation. If parents could learn not to ask a misbehaving child questions, amazing things would happen, which is: "I don't understand why you have this D on your report card." That cuts all that out. It cuts all the dancing out. Now the child has to come up with a response. "Well, I don't know." That's going to be a typical response. So this is a technique that is very valuable. "Yes, I understand you don't know right now. Nevertheless, you do need to figure it out. Let's take five minutes and we'll come back together and I want to hear what you think is the reason."
What are common communication mistakes between parents and children?
Common mistakes parents make when communicating with their children is, one, being disrespectful. Two, using questions in a disipline situation. I'm not saying in ordinary life don't ask questions, that's not what it is. Its in a disipline situation where a child has done something that's not appropriate and you need to teach the child, you need to solve a problem, then don't use questions. That's what I'm saying, and listen.
How do I say "no" to my child's request without making him angry?
If you have a child that's been raised with permissive parenting and now the permissive parent wants to get the power back and become an appropriate disciplinarian to the child, and if the child doesn't get their way and they have temper tantrums, so what? So what? Because a child has a temper tantrum and gets angry because they don't get their own way, so what? Let them be angry. But that doesn't mean you cave in to their anger or to their demands. That's really what got the permissive parent in trouble in the first place. So what you would do with a child that is used to having their own way and now you realize, "wait a minute this isn't working out", is that you would go back to solving problems with the child with these six steps: There's a problem. What makes it a problem? analyze it. What is a possible solution to solving the problem? Make a plan. Do it. Evaluate. That's six steps.
How do I communicate with a child who is angry or emotional?
When communicating with a child who is angry or emotional, most parents engage. It's a trigger, you attract what you project. So, if the child is angry, then it's very easy to get caught up in the child's anger. But you have choices, you have a choice not to do that. A better choice when communicating with an angry or emotional child would be, "I see you're really upset, you're really bothered by this. I'd like to know more about it." "I" statements, will flatten the anger or emotion out faster than anything I know.
How do I end a series of "why-questions" with my child?
If you have a child that's always asking why questions, that's a very wonderful stage, and you have a chance to explain a lot of things. We're back to questions. If you have why questions coming at you then you can reverse it, and put it back on the child. So “Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why is this…” and say “Well, I want to hear what you think about the question why the sky is blue. I want to hear what you think.” So that's putting it back on them. Giving them lots of opportunities to learn about their world is pretty exciting and delightful parenting, but if they're asking why questions to the point of driving you crazy then you say “I'll have to do this why thing tomorrow. Today I'm tired. Today I want to do something else.” And so you take charge of the situation and say “I'm not interested in this game of why questions.”
How do I confront my child if I know he has done something wrong?
With child communication issues and confronting a child when they have done something wrong, for example a vase getting broken, you should say "Jenny, I see the vase is broken. I'd like to know what you know about that". If the child then says "I don't know. I didn't do it, Jimmy did it", or something like that then, you say you really want to know how the vase got broken. Then you wait, and engage in a dialog, participating in a dialog.
How do I answer uncomfortable questions from my child?
With child communication issues and how to deal with uncomfortable questions from you child, there's a chapter in my book called, "How to Talk About Sensitive Subjects." A sensitive or uncomfortable subject which your child confronts you about is anything which you don't want to talk about, or the other person doesn't want to talk about. Now, in the authoritarian style, we just didn't talk about those things and so ignorance prevailed. In this day and age where there's so much at stake, especially with children and growing up, and the very serious influences on them, it isn't okay to not talk about sensitive subjects. So, if you have a subject that you're very sensitive about which you don't want to talk about with your child, educate yourself about it. Educate yourself about how other people have communicated it to their children and make sure you have accurate information to share. It's really important I think, by age thirteen to have the basics handled. If you're not handling it yourself then there's phenomenal children's literature. There are experts to go to, and so on. Sex always comes up as the number one sensitive subject that many parents feel uncomfortable talking about with their child. They didn't have it talked about it when they were a kid growing up; it was a kind of taboo subject. However, children clearly need to know about it, there's so much about human sexuality that children seriously need to know, including protecting themselves and making good judgments. Otherwise, they'll be making you grandparents before your time in the back seat of a Chevy. You really need to talk and communicate with your child about these uncomfortable subjects and have good moral values that tie in with the facts of the matter.
