Child Communication: Opening Dialogue
How do I keep an "open line" of communication with my child?
If parents want to keep an open line of communication with their children, they'll do just what I'm about to explain. The parents will be respectful, they will listen receptively and they will use statement sentences. This way the child will chatter away. The reason that children don't communicate well with their parents and don't keep an open line of communication is if they don't feel respected, they don't trust their parents and they're afraid that they're going to be punished if they tell the parent what is really going on with them. They don't feel accepted, they don't feel adequately loved and they don't feel loved unconditionally. A child who knows that they are loved unconditionally no matter what they do, will keep an open line of communication with their parents. The parent will always love the child; they may become very angry at bad behavior but the behavior doesn't mean that they stop loving the child. The one thing this child can count on is that the parent will love them, no matter what. When that exists, you will not have trouble with open line communication.
How can I get my teenager to talk to me?
If you have a teenager that has become sullen and won't talk and withdrawn and only wants to be with their friends and won't share what's going on with their lives, it's a real concern. Often, the parents in my classes that have that situation can correct it quite quickly, if they shift to statement sentences, if they let the child know how much they love them, and if they eliminate this threat of punishing them. If what takes the place of punishing children and smacking them and chastising them and withdrawing their privilieges and all of that, is actually solving the problem. The latter is drama and kids just turn off of it because they know you don't have the power over them that they, you used to when they were little, so they're not gonna go with that. But teenagers desperately want to be able to communicate with their parents and solve problems together and share what's going on because many times they're in over their heads. And if they don't have a viable resource at home to talk stuff out with, well they're being influenced, they've tried stuff, and there's, you know, it's kind of scary. They need to talk to their parents. So parents really need to keep that communication open. Respect, unconditional love, no matter what you do I'm going to love you, that doesn't mean I can't get mad at you, but I'm gonna love you, and 'I' statements and receptive listening, and that participation, commitment, agreements. You know, kids are used to solving problems with their parents. It just, you don't, you rarely have those kind's of problems. Just doesn't happen.
How can I receive more than a one-word answer from my child?
If you have a child that's giving you a one-word answer, then you would say, "I need more information", and wait. What most parents do is talk too much. And you can also give "the look" -- I need more than a one word answer, with the expectation that the child is going to give me more than a one word answer. Chances are that will work.
