Childhood Sex Education
At what age do children become "sexually aware"?
Children can become sexually aware as young as the age of two or three. They're exploring their bodies, they know they have different parts, they see their parents with no clothes. It's an age appropriate expectation of your child. Enhance it, support it. The way you handle it now will set the path for how a child feels about their own sexuality in the future.
Should I discuss sex with my child?
There's age-appropriate discussions of sex all along the route of childhood, adolescence and adulthood. The age of your child will dictate the appropriateness, the depth and the detail of that discussion. But have an open discussion. Let your child feel that it's a two-way street and they can always come to you. There's no question about sex that you would make them feel embarrassed about. Do some housecleaning with you as a parent so that you're clear of where you stand on discussing sex with your child, and that your own anxieties and issues don't spill out onto your children.
At what age should I discuss sex with my child?
Age appropriate discussion will be when a three year old is maybe exploring themselves in the bathtub or asking you about your own body, and telling them how women are different than men, and why women may be different than men in general terms. You should be able to let them know privacy; that we don't touch other people's bodies, and we don't let anyone touch ourselves. You should give them the appropriate outlet and knowings of how to reach to someone if someone is making them feel uncomfortable or touching them where they shouldn't be touching, so that they know the difference and when to speak up.
Which parent should talk to a child about sex?
It doesn't matter which parent talks to a child about sex, sexuality or body parts. If you have both parents there, the better it is for a child. Making a child see that mom can talk about dad, and dad can talk about mom, and women can talk about men is a very good thing. To allow a child to talk about sex and show openness is a great thing.
How do I begin discussing sex with my child?
Look at yourself and define where you are with your own sexuality, how you feel about your own body, about your own self, about yourself in a relationship, how you feel about intimacy, and some of the pitfalls you've gone through in your life, and what you've learned from all of that, and how you're able to really build intimacy, and what intimacy means. Once you have all those kinds of issues intact for yourself then you'll be able to have a dialog with your child. The dialogue is really them asking you questions about sex and you being free to answer them. You're not free to answer them if you don't have you house in order.
What can I do if I just can't discuss sex with my child?
If you as a parent have done the appropriate house cleaning of yourself, and really feel sex is not a subject you are comfortable with, perfectly fine. The great thing is that you now know that. So then you will support that with someone that you trust, or you feel is knowledgeable enough to be able to talk to your child about sex, whether that's a counsellor at school, or a clergy person, or your doctor, or your child's doctor, or just at school with the program that they have in place. But you will now empower someone else to be able to start the dialogue about sex with your child. And also, being open with your child, and just saying, "Joe is going to talk to you about some of these things, sex is just not something I'm not comfortable with," will mean they'll want to know why you're not comfortable talking about sex, so that's another reason why you have to have yourself in check.
What facts about sex do I need to discuss with my child?
There are certain facts your child needs to know about sex, from safety, to risk, to diseases and STDs. And really, the best place to start is with seeing where your school stands on sex. What are they doing? Do they have a program that you can just join in on such as Planned Parenthood, depending on the age of your child? Reach to your community to see where they're educating their children on sex, and how they're educating their children on sex, so you're able to see the components of those programs and just embellish them and support them at home.
What are some common misconceptions that my child may have about sex?
Some misconceptions that your teen may have about sex is they'll think, "I could never get pregnant," "I could never get HIV," "I could never get gonorrhea or syphilis." Those kinds of things happen to everybody, so I think it's allowing your child to feel safe enough to learn those without fear and to be able to get the tools that they need to make good judgements is really what a parent needs to do. Oftentimes however, teenagers will think, "I'm free. I'm clear. I'm cool."
Will sexual education promote sexual activity in children?
Knowledge of any subject is empowerment for a child. It's not going to tell them and give them a message that they should go ahead and do it. It has to be put into a context of "This is knowledge you need to know, these are tools for life." A child is going to do what a child is going to do. It's better to have them aware of sex and knowledgable and empowered before they move forward.
Will school teach my child everything he needs to know about sex?
You can never be sure that anyone is going to teach your child what you want your child to know about sex. Therefore, you need to know what you want your child to know; you need to look at what school and everyone else is telling your child, compare it and then fill in those gaps. However, it is up to you to talk about sex because it is your child and it is what you want your child to know.
Should I discuss "abstinence" with my child?
Abstinence is the act of not having sex. You should talk to your child in a broad context of what sexuality is, what sexual behavior is, what is appropriate, what is not appropriate, when it's appropriate, when it's not appropriate such as time and place. Those kinds of discussions of sex will then inadvertently go into the abstinence discussion. So yes, it should be part of the broader discussion.
Should I discuss "contraception" with my child?
Contraception is definitely part of the broader sexual discussion with your child--age appropriately--and it definitely has to be a part of it, because the day and age that we live in of STDs and risks and safety, thus knowledge of contraception is absolutely needed. So it should be part of the broader discussion.You should approach that based on how you feel about contraception as a person and as an individual and then, depending on how you feel about it, that's what will dictate the type of discussion of contraception you will have, if in fact you'll even have that discussion. You may give that to someone else to do.
What are the signs that my child is "sexually active"?
Signs that your child may be sexually active will include, appropriately pulling away from their family, starting to single out someone that they feel is special, giggling and laughing, and all the kinds of nice things to see that an adolescent or a teenager is starting to move into. Being able to be aware of those makes your teenager feel comfortable and safe and not belittled, it allows them the ability to come with the feelings and thoughts that they have, that they need to run by mom and dad and, also with their friends. You will see their peer groups, maybe, are going to change. You will see that they used to go out in groups and now they are starting to single off. So, between nine, ten to fifteen years old they are in groups then by fifteen to eighteen years old they are starting to single each other out and starting to zone in on what they like.
What should I do if I suspect my child is sexually active?
If you suspect that your child is having sex, it's appropriate to ask your child if they're having sex in a manner that is non-threatening and safe for them. Allow them to be able to come forward with it. That doesn't mean that they will offer information about their sexual activity, but you will have at least set an example for them that, "I'm a safe place. I'm not going to judge you. I need to be able to give you the facts and give you the tools to make good decisions." If you feel that they're not going to come to you about sex, at least you've set that dynamic, and you will give them resources maybe of where they can go. You'll watch them and see who they're starting to talk to, and then maybe that's where you can start to come in, through that door.
If I suspect my child is having sex, should I search their room or diary?
It's not a question of whether it's OK to go into a personal piece of your child's life. It's really about the kinds of relationships and the role modeling you want to do for your child. So if you want your child to feel that it's a collaborative process here, and that you respect them as a human being, it's better to have them try and join you in those kinds of things than to try and do it behind their back. Because you run the risk of them finding it out, and then getting more distrustful, more angry or more hidden from you. The more you try and do it with them with you, the more you can go together forward.